I think we will need help having a baby. No…I think we will need help conceiving a baby. I just feel that that is true. Honestly, I’ve felt it since the beginning. Girls on a bb that I post to – they have had dreams of actually being pregnant. I haven’t. I’ve had dreams about going to the dr’s office. Is that weird? Do I need to think differently, and then I will get pregnant?

A coworker mentioned that I laughed on Friday. That it was the first time since Sean’s death that she had seen me really laugh – not in a cynical way, but a belly laugh. It’s probably true. I can laugh more genuinely now. But he is always in my thoughts, and there is always this current of sadness to my thoughts. I wonder if I will ever be whole again.


~ by Larisa on May 10, 2005.

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