absence

It’s an interesting phenomenon. The absence of something can make you think about it more. My brother’s birthday is in July. He would have been 26. My family and I have planned more for his two birthdays since his death than in years before he died. It’s just one of those things. When you have it, you take it for granted. I knew I had a brother, I knew he’d be around forever. I didn’t consciously think about him each day. Now, each day has at least one moment (usually many) with that sharp empty breath that reminds me of his absence.

I keep more pictures of him now. I have pieces of him everywhere in this house, even though he was never here. I drive by the accident site almost daily. The presence of his absence is everywhere. His death has become part of me.

Not having a baby, not being pregnant has similar qualities. Each baby I see, each family, each pregnancy I hear about makes me more aware that I’m not in that group. I think about not having a baby every day. I wonder what I would be thinking if I had gotten pregnant right away? I can’t even imagine it.

I used to think about things besides my brother and babies. I still do, but it seems like everything is tainted. Nothing else is as important anymore.

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~ by Larisa on June 27, 2005.

One Response to “absence”

  1. Mrs. Hope, Wish I had the right comforting words for you. Consider this a cyber hug. And know that it’s okay to not let anything else be as important to you right now.

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