So the other day, when dh got home and saw my bloodshot, teary eyes, he knew something was up. He asked, and I blubbered about the doctor’s appointment being moved. He, of course, was cool as a cucumber. He looked at me and actually asked, “Who ARE you?”.

I’m usually very calm, collected, not a drama queen. I’ve turned into a mess. I obsess, fret, freak, whine, cry, sigh, and mope much more than a “grown” woman should. I’ve decided I will have dh hide the thermometer from me for at least this next cycle. And no stick abuse either! I’ve emptied the house of anything I would be allowed to pee on, so now I just have to avoid buying new sticks.

I guess I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I worked hard to create an identity for myself. It feels like there are so many pieces of this dream identity missing. So who do I work to become now?


Some clarification about my appointment – this office is the only office with board certified RE’s in the Hopeville area. He had his vacation scheduled long ago, the office staff screwed up by giving me the appointment. I plan calling someone next week and using my kindness to *try* to convince them that I need an appointment before August 10th.

My period is due today – I’ve had the requisite temp drop, a few cramps. I’m just waiting for the onslaught. And then I torture myself with…”what if?? what if…?”


~ by Larisa on July 1, 2005.

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