burdens

So, I’ve been wondering…how many of your significant others know about your blog?

Mine doesn’t. I’m not ready for him to read this yet. I kept a journal after my brother’s death that I didn’t let him know about for over a year. I did eventually tell him about it, and he has read most of it at this point.

Here’s why: I don’t think he is equipped to bear the burden of my sorrow. He feels guilty, he wants to “fix” things. He also doesn’t always understand my need to work through all the possibilities and permutations of a given situation multiple times. He is nowhere nearly as concerned, upset, confused, or frustrated about this trying to have a baby thing as I am. He doesn’t understand the charting, nor is he interested. I don’t push the issue.

I guess I’ve seen it as one of those roles we’ve fallen into. I vacuum, clean the bathrooms, do all the cooking. He “straightens”, does most of the finances, mows the lawn, changes the cat litter.

I “do” the fertility stuff. Most of the time, that’s just fine with me. But sometimes, I feel a little resentment. I wish he would be more interested or concerned or something. But I also know that’s unfair to him – if I don’t include him, then what does he have to be concerned about?

Anyway…just wondering how it “works” for you.

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~ by Larisa on July 10, 2005.

6 Responses to “burdens”

  1. He knows about it and reads every entry. The brunt of the fertility stuff falls on me, but he comes to every appointment, ultrasound, and procedure. We’re in this together. I think he realized long ago he can’t “fix” this no matter now much he wants too. It still kills him, but all this kills me too.

  2. he knows about it but only reads sometimes. he does know how important it is to me. i’ve always written so he understands it’s like therapy for me. i do MOST of the fertility stuff. the only thing he did (and hated it) was get a spermies checked and check his prostate. he REALLY hated the latter of the two but i told him to get over it as i’m always getting my vagina poked and proded by medical professionals!

    before conceiving my daughter, he wasn’t into all the charting and ttc tidbits. and i didn’t bother him with it either. but after losing my daughter, he is now a ful-fledge player in this game. we BOTH want/need to conceive again so badly so we’re both in up to our heads with all of this ttc stuff.

  3. Hi. I have just read your entire blog — I started last night, and then I finished just now.

    My dh knows about my blog. He rarely reads it. I haven’t asked him to read it, and he hasn’t shown interest in reading it but I don’t know if he’s waiting for an invitation or anything. I’d rather he not read it.

    We fall into our roles, too. He went with me to ultrasounds after we conceived, but then he got a promotion and he does not have as much flexibility. I’m not pregnant anymore, and am about to start another cycle of treatment. I really hate that he won’t be able to go with me.

    Good luck with everything you’ve got coming up. It sounds like things are going pretty well and that things are going to go beautifully for you. I’m a teacher, too… summers are precious, both for time off and to get appointments in. I’m sorry you didn’t get as much done with treatment as you wanted in your first summer — I didn’t either last summer, and I’m hoping this summer will go better.

    Anyway, I guess I’ve sequestered your blog for long enough…

  4. My husband knows about my blog and he reads it… most of the time. Sometimes he will make comments on it during our conversations. As far as our roles, they’ve changed drastically from when we first started this journey. In the beginning I was the one who researched everything and he just kinda did what I told him to — go to this appointment, here’s your cup, etc. One thing I believe is many times the woman is about 2-3 steps ahead of the man in accepting fertility issues. I know my husband was this way. He just wasn’t ready to admit there was a problem — even though we were seeing a specialist. Honestly, I don’t think it was until we moved to injectables and he was giving me the shots that we became truly on the same page and started feeling like a team in dealing with all of this. Now there are still times I wish he was more a research hound but that is just our personalities — I’m a data nut and he’s more laid-back about it.

  5. I’ve been meaning to write about this on my blog too. My husband just recently read my blog – I don’t know how often he checks/will check it. I’m definitely the one in charge of the fertility stuff. I’m sure the woman usually is because she’s the one that has to go through daily treatment, but for us, he’d be just as happy without kids, so any part he plays in this is for me already.

  6. He knew about it but swore he wouldn’t read it and I caught him reading it using my statcounter.com software.

    So now he knows and I think he reads every post I write.

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