I’m back from my trip to see my pregnant friend. She looks amazing – I think any pregnant woman aspires to look like her.

We went to New York City. I’ve only been there once, many moons ago, for one night. It was great to see all the tourist attractions. Ate some yummy food too.

I have two complaints about the trip. The “haze”, which I think of as some sort of pollution – but my friend insisted on calling humidity, was gross and suffocating.

The second complaint is harder to voice. She knows we have been trying to get pregnant, and has been asking lots of questions. I’ve been vague until now. She told me she wants to know, so I told her pretty much everything in a simplified way. She is supportive, curious, friendly about all of it.

We were having a conversation about something else (that happens in September), and she said something about me being pregnant by then. And I responded with something like, “Maybe, but I don’t want to get my hopes too high.” She then responded with something along the lines of, “Don’t you think it’s better to be in a positive state of mind?”

I’ve felt unsettled about that comment. I don’t think it’s that I’m not optimistic. I am. But I still feel the need to protect myself a little. As far as I’m concerned, the only plan is that we will do 6 IUIs, less if I get pregnant. Yeah, I know the odds are better than on our own. Yeah, I’m really excited about it. But if I tell myself that I will be pregnant the first try, the fall will be that much harder. I guess cautious optimism is the name of the game.

On top of that, she is worrying about all sorts of things in pregnancy. Not that I won’t be worried about the same things if I get pregnant, but isn’t it the same thing?

~ by Larisa on August 17, 2005.

4 Responses to “optimism?”

  1. cautious optimism IS the name of the game. it’s a crappy ass game we play but believe me it isn’t by choice.

  2. YES, her worries about her pregnancy are EXACTLY the same damn thing. She’s lovely and innocent because she hasn’t experienced our struggles with IF. I remember feeling that way once upon a time, that it’s better to be in a positive state of mind, but optimism can be exhausting when one is let down. Cautiously optimistic is the ONLY way to survive IF treatment without going totally bonkers.

  3. Optimism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve always been more of a realist when it comes to this. The one cycle I really focused on being positive, my world was blown apart when I got the negative. Better to be surprised by the good and prepared for the bad, I guess.

    But, so many people just believe that if we relax, think positive and keep the faith, our prayers would be answered. If only it were that easy!

  4. Glad that you had a good time, despite the “haze!”

    My good friend is newly pregnant (after 2 weeks off BCP) and she knows basically all we have been through. It is so much harder now that she is pregnant to talk about it, and I am avoiding the topic as much as I can. She too makes the “be positive. It WILL happen, I know it.” I know she is being supportive, but my jealous IF beast wants to scream at her! It is such a terrible feeling when dealing with someone I care about deeply. But, I guess I am hurt deeply right now, too. Frequently, small comments set me off and have me thinking about them for days.

    Hang in there…hopeful optimism is the only way to go.

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