and then there was a cyst

I cannot do this. I cannot fucking do this. I cannot deal with the hope and then the disappointment. I don’t know how some of you do. And this is nothing compared to what some of you have endured.

I went to the RE for my u/s so I can start on the Clomid for the IUI. I was thinking no big deal, a little embarrassing. No way did I expect him to actually find a cyst. That’s right. There’s a fucking 25 mm cyst on my right ovary. That means no Clomid, and I get to go back for another vaginal u/s onMonday. If the cyst has done a disappearing act, and I haven’t started forming a follicle on my own, I get to start Clomid on Monday. If the cyst has done a disappearing act, and I have a follicle of my own, no Clomid, and we’ll try an unmedicated IUI. If the cyst is still there (the most likely possibility), I’ll probably get to take bcps for a month to expedite the disappearing act. Fan-fucking-tastic.

I was optimistic. I was hopeful. Not now. I fully expect the cyst to be there Monday, maybe even bigger than it is now. I figure it’s that kind of month.

It was all I could do to not cry right there on the table when he showed me the cyst. I didn’t ask any of my prepared questions because I would have started sobbing right then and there. I going to make my husband come to the appointment with me on Monday. He needs to hear and see this. Why is my body doing this to me? This means no end of May baby, no June baby. It’s looking less and less likely to me that I will be pregnant in 2005.

I am seething. I am utterly disappointed. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t.

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~ by Larisa on August 24, 2005.

10 Responses to “and then there was a cyst”

  1. IF is so hard, disappointing, frustrating…..

    Please know that you are not alone in your sadness.

    Hang in there …and get the F*** off of that ovary, Miss Cyst!

  2. i wish i were there to give you real {{{HUGS}}}. i’m so sorry. i know how disappointing, heartwrenching and just plain fucking shitty all of this is. i wish it were easier…i wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. i wish i had the words of comfort. i wish i had the answers…the ones that would guarantee that you CAN do this. again, i’m so so sorry. you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Mrs. Hope – I’m so sorry – cysts suck ass! I hope it’s gone and you can proceed.

  4. Shit. It always seems like it’s one more thing. Makes you wonder how many more things you can take before you break. I feel for you.

    As much as I hate having to sit a cycle out for one reason or another, after it’s over, I’m usually a bit more “refreshed” and glad to have had the break even though I bitch and moan and hate it the entire time.

  5. It’s so difficult. Each cycle those docs tell us, it’s not a big deal missign this one cycle, but over a year it adds up to half the cycles missed, and that’s a killer.

    Hang on in there, it may go.

  6. Mrs. Hope – I’m sorry. I know what you are going through and it sucks but you are a strong woman and you CAN do this. You are in my prayers my friend.

  7. I am so sorry. I have so been there. I hope that the cyst is somehow gone by Monday.

  8. Damn – I am so sorry. I hope that it has disappeared by Monday and you can go forward with the cycle.

  9. The rage and fury is the most exhausting part of this whole process. I don’t have any words of comfort. Sorry. You’re on my mind.

  10. I am so sorry. Not sure why it has to be such a rollercoaster. I hate the cyst cycles because I hate cycles where I am not actively doing anything. Hope it goes away soon.

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