I am gaining new sympathy for the parents of the children I work with. We assess their children and come back to them with a diagnosis. Sometimes we don’t have one to give. The most important thing to me is describing what each child *can* do, then talking about how we can use those abilities to improve areas of weakness. Some parents are extraordinarily well read and anticipate, even challenge every recommendation (sometimes referred to as those parents) we make. Some sit stunned. Some don’t appear to understand what we are saying at all.

I’ve always thought of myself as a reasonably intelligent woman. I’ve read everything I can along this IF path. I’ve sat at both Borders and Barnes & Noble and read nearly every book that might apply to me. I’ve searched the internet, I’ve lurked on bulletin boards from Resolve to INCIID to BabyCenter. I knew what that cyst meant the second I saw it.

Yet somehow, I sat stunned. Dr. Optimism spewed a bunch of information at me that I understood, but it probably looked like I was clueless. I didn’t ask a single question. I had (and have) so many. Yet, I sat there speechless. Completely out of control.

I think that maybe *that* is the core issue that confounds me the most. My reproductive future is not in my control. I cannot will the evil cyst away. I cannot predict whether or not each cycle will be cyst-infested. Or predict what other roadblock lies ahead. I trust my doctor at the moment, but at the same time, my care is in his hands, not my own. And this infertility thing is tricky. The answer is different from different doctors. I think these doctors are only at the tip of the iceberg in fully understanding the complexity of the human reproductive system.

Just as I cannot pretend to fully understand the complete workings of the human brain and language development. I can make my best guesses. I can try what has worked before. But sometimes that fails.

I don’t want this to fail.


~ by Larisa on August 25, 2005.

7 Responses to “edumacation”

  1. I think it is so difficult for women, like myself, who are use to setting goals for ourselves and subsequently achieving those goals to accept the level of helplessness that accompanies IF. As I sit here staring at IVF statistics from my fertility clinic, I can’t help thinking the same things that you are — I have no control over this, I can’t “make” it work, I can only follow my RE’s instructions and hope for the best.

    And so, I sit here hoping for the best. Hoping for success for you (and yes, for me).

  2. I hear you when you say your reproductive future is not in your control. I feel the same way and it is scary. I like your blog and would like to add it to my list if that’s okay.

  3. Sometimes all we can do is take comfort in that we are doing all we can do, and that’s just to follow directions. I’m with you — I hate not having control over this.

    I hope only the best for you. For all of us.

  4. As a Type A “control” oriented person, I also find IF incredibly hard. I recognize I would have 0% hope without my RE, so I have to give him 100% of my trust to do his job and get me pregnant. It is just so damn hard.

    I like your association with the parents of your students. At least, we as teachers are giving them obvious recommendations that they can try at home to help their child — IF they wish. We, on the otherhand, can follow every recommendation and still have no control over the outcome.

    Hang in there!

  5. “I think these doctors are only at the tip of the iceberg in fully understanding the complexity of the human reproductive system.”

    This is very true. So much of their work is trial and error, educated guessing.

    A few years ago at a RESOLVE leaders conference, we discussed how so many people affected by infertility are the proactive type. In control of their life, Type A, whatever. It’s strange at first, but then you realize there’s some truth to it. For many people, this is the first thing that’s completely out of their control.

    I wish it were different. For you, and for all of us.

  6. Mrs. Hope,
    Can you fill me in on your morph and prolactin stuff. Is there anything they have done for your husband? Since coming off the clomid, I feel that my prolactin stuff is coming back. I have to get an MRI again. I’m to continue with Bromocriptine until I get pregnant.

  7. ah mrs. hope… shaking me head here and agreeing wholeheartedly. The helplessness, the lack of control in this situation… and there’s something about the stupid randomness as well. Like if it was like tetanus and lo we’d all stepped on rusty nails previously then ok. But there’s no ryhme or reason or rusty nails just this big finger coming down from the sky and pointing at one girl after another randomly saying: you’re IF, you’re IF, you’re IF…

    I’m so sorry about the cyst. It’s so hard, and so exhausting this one thing after another. Hang in there.

    Thinking of you.

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