really just rambling

I continue to post on a bulletin board of women who began trying to have babies around when we did. Well, I post sometimes. Much of the time they are discussing introduction of solids, napping schedules, and various breast-feeding and postpartum questions. I don’t have much to add. I post updates about my doctor’s apppointments, but I feel guilty about all the “me” posts.

Everyone has conceived by now, and most have had their babies. There are three of us that remain. One woman has been trying for over a year and a half, and the other the same amount of time as me. At least we are stranded together.

The group hasn’t been without setbacks. There have been miscarriages. One woman has been told she should not have more babies due to a heart condition that was discovered at the end of her pregnancy.

One of the women had her baby this week, and she wrote the most amazing and beautiful birth story. She spoke of the overwhelming love she felt for her baby already. It is those posts – the posts that speak about the joy of childbirth, of motherhood that make my heart ache. I often take days to respond to them. Sometimes, I can’t. It’s a mixture of sadness, jealousy, and wondering if those events will happen. I think I feel in my heart that they will. But when? It could be this cycle. Or not. Or next cycle. Or not. I know I’ve posted about lack of control of my reproductive future, but my unease also comes from not knowing when (if?) this will happen.

Sometimes I wonder if I should remove myself completely from the board. But…I like those women, and they will be a great support when (if?) I do get pregnant. So I hold on. And read. And am happy for them. And feel my heart ache a little.

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~ by Larisa on September 2, 2005.

6 Responses to “really just rambling”

  1. I recently removed myself from a group similar to the one you describe. It’s hard, especially when you feel left behind. I was the last woman standing. I hope you don’t get to that point and that soon you are discussing those things with your friends.

  2. I totally feel where you’re coming from. Today at work a woman was crying over her son. He’s a teenager, and he’s into pot, and he’s totally withdrawn. He makes bad grades, he’s anti-social, he sleeps too much… she was crying because she doesn’t know what happened to her little boy and I just hurt. I want to suffer over my child that way. I want to cry and wonder what happened. I want that pain of being a good parent.

    I hope you’re pregnant soon. I hope we all are.

  3. I totally feel where you’re coming from. Today at work a woman was crying over her son. He’s a teenager, and he’s into pot, and he’s totally withdrawn. He makes bad grades, he’s anti-social, he sleeps too much… she was crying because she doesn’t know what happened to her little boy and I just hurt. I want to suffer over my child that way. I want to cry and wonder what happened. I want that pain of being a good parent.

    I hope you’re pregnant soon. I hope we all are.

  4. Hear hear.

    I’m the last in my group of best friends to fall pregnant and some of my close but not best friends are having their second.

    It’s horrible being left behind. And yet, you don’t want to lose the friendships…

  5. Hear hear.

    I’m the last in my group of best friends to fall pregnant and some of my close but not best friends are having their second.

    It’s horrible being left behind. And yet, you don’t want to lose the friendships…

  6. Realizing that everyone’s path is SO different can make it harder sometimes. I mean, why do we deserve this IF path? Not that anyone deserves it, but it is so frustrating.

    I’m on another group where it seems others are getting PG quickly. I tend to be lurking right now because I am in between treatments. Not sure I will be staying much longer either!

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