envy

Why is it that some people get exactly what they want in life? Sometimes without even trying very hard? And yet I feel like I am struggling to live the life of my dreams.

I get that life isn’t fair. OK, maybe I don’t. Why did my brother die? Why can’t I have children? I work hard, I play fair, I follow the rules. But here I sit, nowhere near the life I dreamt of years ago.

I thought my brother would still be here. I never conceived of a life without my siblings. Now, I think about my sister dying. It’s morbid, but it’s almost like I have to prepare in some way.

I thought we would stop using birth control and that I would be pregnant by now. But I’m not. And I’m not sure when I will be.

PGBF has not struggled in this way. Her siblings are all alive. She got pregnant the first month that she and her husband were actually in the same place for more than a weekend. Six months after they got married. She desperately wanted a girl. She was scared to death that it was a boy. She said she wouldn’t be able to handle a boy. She found out Friday that her baby is a girl. A perfect looking baby girl. No struggle. No heartache.

I don’t care if we have a boy or a girl or any combination. I want a healthy child.

I don’t want to have to struggle. I want to stomp my feet and scream like a three year old. I want those two pink lines. I want a baby in my arms, in my heart.

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~ by Larisa on September 26, 2005.

8 Responses to “envy”

  1. Mrs. Hope — I am so sorry that you lost your brother. I can’t imagine how devasting that must be.

    As for infertility, I know just how you feel. My new mom BF got PG at age 39 a week or two after her wedding. She gave birth to a sweet little baby girl a couple of months ago. We are marching toward IVF. I am happy that things have worked out for her but it pains me that we are in this position.

    I’m sorry that you going through this. I really hope that soon you too will see those two lines.

    Hang in there, hun.

  2. Mrs. Hope — I am so sorry that you lost your brother. I can’t imagine how devasting that must be.

    As for infertility, I know just how you feel. My new mom BF got PG at age 39 a week or two after her wedding. She gave birth to a sweet little baby girl a couple of months ago. We are marching toward IVF. I am happy that things have worked out for her but it pains me that we are in this position.

    I’m sorry that you going through this. I really hope that soon you too will see those two lines.

    Hang in there, hun.

  3. *nod*

    I understand.

    Thinking of you.

  4. *nod*

    I understand.

    Thinking of you.

  5. Oh Mrs. Hope, I so completely understand. How unfair it is just sucks. I too have lost a brother and am now unfortunately a only child. For 7 years now hubby and I have struggled with infertility while everyone (and I do mean everyone) around us has had children. Not only have they had children, but they’ve either been accidents or have gotten pregnant exactly when they wanted too. Oh so unfair and frustrating.

    I feel your pain babe… {{HUGS}}

  6. Oh Mrs. Hope, I so completely understand. How unfair it is just sucks. I too have lost a brother and am now unfortunately a only child. For 7 years now hubby and I have struggled with infertility while everyone (and I do mean everyone) around us has had children. Not only have they had children, but they’ve either been accidents or have gotten pregnant exactly when they wanted too. Oh so unfair and frustrating.

    I feel your pain babe… {{HUGS}}

  7. Oy, I know it sucks. None of this is what any of us had planned. And the lack of rhyme or reason isn’t comforting.

    On a completely different note, we may have crossed dust paths this past weekend and never knew it.

  8. Mrs. Hope,
    The WHY ME? questions are so hard and they never seem to go away. I am hoping we all have that baby we dream of in our arms soon….one way or another.

    Sorry you are feeling down.

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