a long weekend

I’m back in Hopeville. Mom is doing much better, and she seems to improve a little each day. She is still in Houston because she has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. She may come here for most of the rest of the week. It’s not that she really needs assistance at this point, but she can’t really do what she would like to be doing, so she may as well be near her daughters. My dad will be out of town for another two weeks.

It’s interesting. Initially, she didn’t want either one of us to come at all. In fact, she was quite adamant that we NOT come. Flat out stubborn. She must have realized the gravity of the infection, or that things around the house were going to be difficult, or that she was going to have some difficulty with the IV medication initially.

I’m ok with her coming, but I’m a little anxious. I feel like a bad daughter saying so. But I like my privacy. I don’t like having to meticulously hide all of the infertility stuff.

Yeah, I wrote “hide”. None of our family members knows at this point. Maybe I’m being the stubborn one now.

While I was there, she kept asking about Thanksgiving. We’ve been planning on doing it at my house, but now the surgery is scheduled for the Monday the week of Thanksgiving. Will I want to cook a turkey? Doubtful.

So I mentioned that I might be having surgery. But I wouldn’t say anything more.

Many opportunities to talk to her about all this infertility stuff arose. I was tempted. But I couldn’t. I didn’t.

She asked what J. and I want for Christmas. I wanted ask for help with the infertility stuff if we need it. But I didn’t.

I’ve been talking pretty freely with friends and some coworkers. For some reason, I don’t care at all what they know, what they think.

But I don’t feel ready to tell my parents. I think there are many reasons. For starters, I don’t want them to feel like they need to support me. I really don’t want to need help. I don’t want to cry about this in front of them. I’ve always been fiercely independent, financially and emotionally.

I am also afraid that they will judge. Or not be supportive. Or not understand. Or suggest that we “just adopt” (we all know it’s not that simple). They are Catholic – I can definitely see my dad not being supportive of using technology to conceive.

I feel like all of it will come out eventually. I really wish someone else could tell them. Could gauge their reaction for me.

Maybe Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas.

But mostly, I’m trying to hope that I don’t have to tell them at all.

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~ by Larisa on November 7, 2005.

10 Responses to “a long weekend”

  1. Ouch… the Catholic card. It’s so hard that the Mother Church disapproves of A.R.T., and now I understand so much better why you haven’t said anything to your parents.

    Does your sister know? Maybe she could gauge for you?

    It’s hard, too because you’re “the independent one.” Those family roles can be so sticky. I’m that one, too — and while I never hid that we were going through IF treatment, I never asked for help. A meddlesome, loving, elder family member pulled rank on my father and basically bullied him into offering to help us out. It is nice that I have an advocate… I wish I could loan her to you.

    Six more days… and I hope so much that at the end of these six days we find out you have a BFP and won’t need to come out of any closet, or need any assistance.

    I know you aren’t optimistic about IUI, but Donnie is pregnant from IUI. It can happen. I’ll hope for you, since I’m not having much luck hoping for myself.

    Sorry to have dominated your blog. You can have it back now. Carry on.

  2. Want me to talk to them? I love talking about infertility.

    But I hope you don’t have to either.

  3. oh i hope you don’t have to tell them at all.

    but you do need to do what is best for you and your husband and what you’re feeling.

  4. That is such a hard decision…because once you tell you can’t take it back.

    I did tell my mom (even though I also tend to be rather private), but I felt like I needed her to know…just in case we decide to adopt some day. I guess that way they weren’t shocked when we brought home a foreign baby! 🙂
    Inlaws had to be told because our treatments were taking so long and they kept asking about “babies” which of course meant I would cry the rest of the night. DH finally had to talk to them about it.

    I have actually found it comforting that they know. Both sides never bring it up and let me approach the issue when I feel necessary. I guess I always hoped I never would have to address IF, that I would get pregnant, but as time went on, it needed to be addressed.

    Perhaps you could just start by explaining that you have been trying to get pregnant and seeking help from an IF expert. You might not have to get into the ART/religious issues that way. Let them have some time to realize what you are going through.

    Oh, and if it helps, I got pregnant with injections and IUI treatments. Took many tries but it worked. There is hope you may not have to deal with it! 🙂

  5. This is so hard. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it easier. That I could guarantee that they’d support your decision (emotionally, and be willing financially to help if you need it).

    I hope that when you feel the time is right, that you have the opportunity to discuss this with them calmly and that you all come out of it closer.

  6. Glad to hear that your mom is doing better. I haven’t told my dad either. We’re not that close and the whole Catholic thing. He may or may not approve, and I don’t want to hear it if he doesn’t. He seems okay with my practicing Catholic cousin who did IVF.

    Do you think your father doesn’t know that the church doesn’t approve? From what I could if find, it approves of GIFT apparently, just not IVF. My father is pretty religious but I don’t think he’d just up and go research infertility. And I don’t regularly hear it come up in the pro-life talk, but maybe I’m just not listening.

    If you aren’t ready to tell, you could always use a vague girly bits reason for the surgery. I could function three days after mine but certainly would not have been up for cooking turkey.

    I hope you can just tell them you’re pregnant.

  7. Glad to hear that your mom is doing better. I haven’t told my dad either. We’re not that close and the whole Catholic thing. He may or may not approve, and I don’t want to hear it if he doesn’t. He seems okay with my practicing Catholic cousin who did IVF.

    Do you think your father doesn’t know that the church doesn’t approve? From what I could if find, it approves of GIFT apparently, just not IVF. My father is pretty religious but I don’t think he’d just up and go research infertility. And I don’t regularly hear it come up in the pro-life talk, but maybe I’m just not listening.

    If you aren’t ready to tell, you could always use a vague girly bits reason for the surgery. I could function three days after mine but certainly would not have been up for cooking turkey.

    I hope you can just tell them you’re pregnant.

  8. How is your mum going? All better?

    I too have not told my parents. I told them prior to us starting, that I may have to do IVF and oh the outrage and oh the stories that she had heard from the neighbours cousins aunty (no joke)….it was just not worth it.

    Take care….

  9. How is your mum going? All better?

    I too have not told my parents. I told them prior to us starting, that I may have to do IVF and oh the outrage and oh the stories that she had heard from the neighbours cousins aunty (no joke)….it was just not worth it.

    Take care….

  10. Are you doing o.k. Mrs. Hope?? Your 2 ww is almost over, and I’ve been thinking about you. You’re in my prayers.

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