guilt

What a miserable emotion. My husband feels guilty that I am scheduled for surgery in a week. He is worried that they won’t find anything, and that the cause of all this mess is him. I’ve tried to reassure him (hey, it’s not his breasts that are lactating), but it doesn’t seem to be working.

He told his mother yesterday. She was pestering us about Thanksgiving as well, so he finally told her that I would be having surgery. He said she was actually almost excited – that she thought maybe we just didn’t want to have kids. I said the outcome could be the same. Except throw in a broken heart or two. She told him that he would have to get tested too – he told her we were “way beyond that now”. He told her about the insurance snafus, and about us considering IVF. So now she wants us to come up to Dallas this weekend instead. I said no.

Guilt must be some sort of baseline emotion for me. I feel guilty that I don’t want to get in the car and visit them this weekend. I want this weekend to be light and fluffy and just the two of us and a couple of bottles of wine.

I feel guilty because I can’t bring myself to tell my parents. I feel guilty because I don’t want to talk to people. I feel guilty because I am jealous of my best friend’s pregnancy. I feel guilty because I am not doing the job I usually do at work. I feel guilty because I let this infertility stuff take me over, steal my mind and my heart.

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~ by Larisa on November 14, 2005.

8 Responses to “guilt”

  1. Guilt makes me think of tar. It’s ugly, sticky, and suffocating. Don’t feel guilty about not telling your parents yet – tell them when you feel ready. And feeling jealousy over a friend’s pregnancy is normal, IMO anyway. You’ll feel joy for her soon enough. And this infertility stuff does tend to take us over. At least every once in a while, when it all becomes too much. (((hugs)))

  2. Guilt is rough. I had a long conversation with my parents yesterday (in the Dallas area incidentally) about our treatment this cycle. I had mentioned it to my sister, and apparently she told everyone.

    I felt guilty for not telling, guilty for telling, just guilty in general.

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this too on top of everything else.

  3. Guilt is terrible Mrs. Hope. What you’re going through is stressful and worrying. You have every reason to want to lay low and spend time with your husband and just rest up. It’s not your fault. You have to nurture and look after yourself right now and if that includes not telling everyone what’s going on, so be it. People who love and care about you wouldn’t want you to be suffering guilt on top of everything else I’m sure.

  4. Awww Mrs. Hope… I’m sorry you are feeling all this guilt right now. It sucks that so much guilt comes along with infertility. But don’t let guilt make you tell or not tell anyone. Tell them when you feel it is time. This crap can completly take us over (as I found out more and more these past few days) but we’re all going to get through it {{{ HUGS }}}

  5. Hope you don’t mind my commenting. I found you through Julie’s site. Don’t let guilt take over your life. It’s not worth it. People will find out when you are ready for them to. I told my parents even though I really didn’t want to, b/c I was scheduled for a lap and needed their help. Doctor screwed up and my lap got canceled 2 times in a row! Now, the cats out of the bag and for no reason at all. I’m seeing someone new, and the recommendation is to hold of on the lap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Hope you don’t mind my commenting. I found you through Julie’s site. Don’t let guilt take over your life. It’s not worth it. People will find out when you are ready for them to. I told my parents even though I really didn’t want to, b/c I was scheduled for a lap and needed their help. Doctor screwed up and my lap got canceled 2 times in a row! Now, the cats out of the bag and for no reason at all. I’m seeing someone new, and the recommendation is to hold of on the lap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Guilt is a toxic emotion… and so hard to overcome. I’m curious to know how your surgery turns out. I hope you get answers. You’re in my thoughts.

  8. Guilt is a toxic emotion… and so hard to overcome. I’m curious to know how your surgery turns out. I hope you get answers. You’re in my thoughts.

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