mothers and daughters

So I told my mom last night. I called her to find out how she was doing, and to see if the PICC line had been removed. She casually mentioned that my dad was relieved to not be traveling to Hopeville for Thanksgiving. Then she mentioned that she didn’t tell him why. I knew that this would be the closest she would get to asking, so I just told her.

I don’t know what reaction I expected, but I didn’t get it. She just said, “Oh, I told your father that’s what was going on months ago.” When I pressed her on why, she came up with, “J said something awhile ago.” I don’t believe her. I think a more likely scenario is that she saw a bill or a book or something on my computer. Then she said, “OK, talk to you later.” That’s it.

My mother and I have always had a different relationship than she and my other siblings. She has always labeled me the “independent” one, and I’ve done nothing but live up to the title. I wonder where it began? She says that I was a difficult baby – did my “difficult-ness” make her think I was more independent? Or have I always pushed her away?

She is much closer, more “motherly”, and more supportive of my sister. She always has been. When I went away to school, she and my father dropped me off at the front of the dorm with my stuff. I moved it in. They seldom visited. My sister is a completely different story. My mother made multiple trips to help her move, help her set up her dorm room. And she visits her more than once a month.

I can’t imagine a different relationship with her. I would feel smothered if she played the role in my life that she plays in my sister’s. However, I’m saddened that sometimes I feel like I have a closer relationship with my mother-in-law than with my mother. Again, maybe my independence, my personality have pushed her to the periphery.

My mother has never expressed and interest in us having children. In fact, in years past, she’s mentioned that she isn’t ready to be a grandmother. So I don’t know why I would have expected a different reaction. I guess I expected a reaction – not the nothing I got.

If I’m ever lucky enough to have a daughter, I hope to have a different relationship with her than with my mother. I’m scared that I won’t know how to cultivate that closeness.

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~ by Larisa on November 15, 2005.

7 Responses to “mothers and daughters”

  1. I’ve also struggled with this, but seeing how desperately you want the opportunity – I have no doubt that when the time comes, you’ll know how to cultivate it.

    Thinking of you.

  2. I have a very similar relationship with my mom. Please don’t worry about being able to break the cycle with your little girl…
    The fact that you want that to happen enables you to change.
    -D.

  3. (((hugs))) I’m sure when the time comes, you’ll establish a wonderful relationshp with your daughter.

    I’m sorry your mom didn’t offer some king of reaction. Perhaps she just didn’t know what to say? It’s hard when you don’t feel as close to one parent and see a sibling with a closer relationship. My sister was always closer to my dad. I was always closer to my mom. I don’t know why the difference.

  4. (((hugs))) I’m sure when the time comes, you’ll establish a wonderful relationshp with your daughter.

    I’m sorry your mom didn’t offer some king of reaction. Perhaps she just didn’t know what to say? It’s hard when you don’t feel as close to one parent and see a sibling with a closer relationship. My sister was always closer to my dad. I was always closer to my mom. I don’t know why the difference.

  5. I’m sorry you didn’t get the response you wanted. I too have been labeled the independent one even though I’m the youngest. While this may be of no comfort now, it may mean that later you develop a true friendship based on more equal standing. That’s what my mom and I eventually forged, and it was great. Of course, when she died and everyone kept asking how my sister was doing and not me, I got ticked off.

    On a different note, I did find out things have changed in the last couple of months at the fertility center. Apparently, somebody left, which made the nurses and the doctors happier. I may be going back. E-mail me if you want more details. And good luck with the surgery on Monday.

  6. Perhaps your mother really didn’t guess that is what you were going through and she felt like she needed time to “process” it before talking? I am sorry you tried to open the door, only to feel like it was shut so quickly.

    I am pretty sure that you will have no trouble creating the relationship that YOU want with your daughter!

  7. My mother’s mother is horrible, but despite their difficult relationship my own mother cultivated a great love and friendship with me… you won’t repeat the same story. You’ll probably be a better mother for it.
    {hugs}

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