the good patient and wondering aloud

Why do I have this need to please? To be liked by my doctor? It’s a visceral, pit-of-my-stomach need. I want him to like me, want him to want to do a good job for me, want him to want to help me get pregnant.

I am preoccupied (some might say obsessed) with this infertility “thing”. I read everything I can get my eyes on that might, in some small way, be relevant. I think of millions of questions. I have an entire “RE questions” Word document that is pages long.

I sometimes print some of them out and bring them, wadded up in my purse. I rarely ask most of them. My doctor typically answers most of them in the course of my appointments anyway, but not all.

I’m scared of being one of “those” patients. I don’t want to be the one he dreads seeing, the one who asks too many questions. Add that to the sheer emotions and anxiety that surround this entire process, and you get the girl who doesn’t ask any questions and kicks herself later for it. Don’t get me wrong, I still really like my doctor, and I trust his decisions.

Thalia’s courage, organization, and question asking skills amaze me. I think she needs to come to my appointments.

I think some of this comes from my underlying desire to be “good”. I have always wanted to be a “good girl”. Now I want to be the “good patient”. I’m almost embarrassed by my sheer impatience and excruciating desire for this journey to be over.

I think the other piece comes from my work. I will bend over backwards for those parents that are kind to me, who respect what I do, and show appreciation for it. Although I’m ashamed to admit it, I hold just that little bit of resentment towards those pestering parents. And I think I’m afraid the doctor would as well.

So I’m going to try my biggest question out on you, lovely readers, first. Is it reasonable for me to not want to do three more Clomid/IUIs? I’ll do them if that is what I should do, but I haven’t been able to convince myself that they will work. I guess I just feel ready to move on to something different from the Clomid. But then I worry about the ridiculously good response I had to the Clomid (6 follicles on 50mg, 3 follicles on 25mg), and wonder how many follicles I would get on an injectible medication.

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~ by Larisa on December 1, 2005.

10 Responses to “the good patient and wondering aloud”

  1. Good question, Mrs. Hope. My first RE recommended 3 clomid/IUIs, then move on to injectable IUIs, but I’m also ten years older than you. You might want to try at least one more clomid/IUI post-surgery to see if the lap helped. That’s my assvice for the day.

    I also lose my mind when talking to the RE. I really wish we could talk with them via e-mail.

  2. Good question, Mrs. Hope. My first RE recommended 3 clomid/IUIs, then move on to injectable IUIs, but I’m also ten years older than you. You might want to try at least one more clomid/IUI post-surgery to see if the lap helped. That’s my assvice for the day.

    I also lose my mind when talking to the RE. I really wish we could talk with them via e-mail.

  3. I can only tell you what I did. I did two cycles of just Clomid. Two with Clomid and IUI and then did two injectibles and IUI. Personally, I hate Clomid and would much rather be on injectibles. It’s a really personal decision though.

  4. I can only tell you what I did. I did two cycles of just Clomid. Two with Clomid and IUI and then did two injectibles and IUI. Personally, I hate Clomid and would much rather be on injectibles. It’s a really personal decision though.

  5. I never did the Clomid/IUI, but my doctor doesn’t like it. She doesn’t recommend doing lots of clomid cycles, but she’s extremely aggressive.

    I totally understand your frustration. If you feel like you want to move on, I don’t see why it would hurt to let the doctor know that. I don’t think he’d be aggravated by it. It’s not a particularly annoying request… you just want more results, and that’s totally understandable.

  6. I never did the Clomid/IUI, but my doctor doesn’t like it. She doesn’t recommend doing lots of clomid cycles, but she’s extremely aggressive.

    I totally understand your frustration. If you feel like you want to move on, I don’t see why it would hurt to let the doctor know that. I don’t think he’d be aggravated by it. It’s not a particularly annoying request… you just want more results, and that’s totally understandable.

  7. OK-
    Coupla things:
    1) Every IF patient in history has, at one point, feared becoming THAT patient. It’s totally normal. On the other hand, I’m the middle child and an insatiable people pleaser… but I found a good middle ground: baked goods! Maybe I whine and needle a lot, but I also make rice krispie squares…
    2) My RE did three cycles of clomid. But your response blew mine out of the water- on 200mg I only had 3 follies. The only “pros” I can think of for injectables are a) uterine linings are usually a little more plush, and b) no annoying vaginal dryness.
    3) I second zhl’s assvice… give it one more shot maybe? But the big question I think I’d ask my RE is: Why do you think I’m not pregnant yet?

    Good luck, girl. Hopefully this next cycle will be YOURS.
    -D.

  8. OK-
    Coupla things:
    1) Every IF patient in history has, at one point, feared becoming THAT patient. It’s totally normal. On the other hand, I’m the middle child and an insatiable people pleaser… but I found a good middle ground: baked goods! Maybe I whine and needle a lot, but I also make rice krispie squares…
    2) My RE did three cycles of clomid. But your response blew mine out of the water- on 200mg I only had 3 follies. The only “pros” I can think of for injectables are a) uterine linings are usually a little more plush, and b) no annoying vaginal dryness.
    3) I second zhl’s assvice… give it one more shot maybe? But the big question I think I’d ask my RE is: Why do you think I’m not pregnant yet?

    Good luck, girl. Hopefully this next cycle will be YOURS.
    -D.

  9. Personally I think IUIs are a waste of time because the success rate is barely above trying on your own: 10% vs 15% ish – might be different because you’re younger but I imagine still that the difference isn’t that big – but you get all the stress of a medicated cycle etc. But YMMV. I’d ask your doctor why he thinks this will work for you now, why it’s a good option versus, for example, trying on your own for a while.

    you do have a stellar response, so if you go on to injectibles, make sure they start you off really really low.

  10. Personally I think IUIs are a waste of time because the success rate is barely above trying on your own: 10% vs 15% ish – might be different because you’re younger but I imagine still that the difference isn’t that big – but you get all the stress of a medicated cycle etc. But YMMV. I’d ask your doctor why he thinks this will work for you now, why it’s a good option versus, for example, trying on your own for a while.

    you do have a stellar response, so if you go on to injectibles, make sure they start you off really really low.

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