anatomy of a cycle

***Edited to add: Today is not actually CD1. I am on CD 30-something, day 5 of Provera so I can begin anew. I was just bored and didn’t have anything to say.***

CD1 – Accompanied by much sobbing, whining, and wondering if I will ever be pregnant. Paired with cramps and the overall feeling that being a girl is unfair.

CD2 – Fewer cramps and mild crying. Trip to store to buy *another* box of tampons.

CD3 – Cramps gone. Looking forward to vaginal ultrasound appointment. Make sure nether regions are properly groomed. Hope there is no heavy bleeding while the doctor is in the room. Begin meds.

CD4 – Insanely hopeful that *this* cycle (what feels like #432) will be “the one”. Wondering if drugs are working as can’t feel anything different.

CD5 – Time to check for nipple discharge. Yes, still there. Must remember to tell doctor so that we can increase the dosage of the nasty dizzy pill *again*. Still wondering if magical ovary drugs are working.

CD6 – Awake in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. Get up, almost pass out from dizziness and stars spinning around head. The magical ovary drugs are *clearly* working now.

CD7 – Sob uncontrollably at the thought of having to cook dinner. Husband is confused about cause, and he is beginning to wonder about all that “for better or worse” stuff he promised.

CD8 – Have a horrible headache. Want desperately to take Advil, but have read on the internet that Advil can cause follicles not to rupture. Try to hold out, but end up taking lousy Tylenol and fussing at 4 year old student instead.

CD9 – Aware that left ovary is feeling quite funny. Right ovary is giggling as well. The magical ovary drug is *so* working. This is definitely the cycle. My due date will be ______.

CD10 – Clean out husband’s underwear drawer. No tighty whities for you, buddy.

CD11 – Have 3 people at work announce their pregnancies. 10 more ask when I’ll be having children. It’s settled, this cycle has just been jinxed, and there will be no pregnancy. Have sex anyway.

CD12 – Follicle check!!! Again, nether regions properly groomed, underwear safely hidden. No worries about bleeding on table this time, though. 3-6 follicles of appropriate size located via my new best friend, the wand monkey. Trigger time…

CD13 – Wondering if that trigger is working. I don’t feel anything? No sex tonight, doctor’s orders. Husband very disappointed.

CD14 – Ask husband 17 times if he remembers his date with specimen cup. Remind of time he must be at clinic an additional 22 times. Write his name and identifying information on cup. No one can read his handwriting. Ovaries are now screaming – I must be ovulating. Have date with evil speculum. There is much fumbling with the catheter and my cervix. “I can see it, I just can’t get in,” says the doctor. Nurse hands me unecessary lab slip for beta in 2 weeks.

CD15 (1dpo) – Must wait how long before testing? Prescribed sex, much to husband’s delight.

CD16 (2dpo) – Hmm. No sore boobs yet. Maybe the trigger didn’t work.

CD17 (3dpo) – Pee on HPT to make sure that trigger worked. So that’s what two lines look like. The symmetry, the beauty!

CD18 (4dpo) – Trying to think about other things. Like…hmmm…well…are there other things to think about?

CD19 (5dpo) – Dream about being able to tell husband I’m pregnant in some cute way. Oh, who am I kidding at this point – I’ll just yell it from the bathroom.

CD20 (6dpo) – Skin breaking out! I must be pregnant!

CD21 (7dpo) – Boobs so so sore. I’m definitely not pregnant, this happens every cycle.

CD22 (8dpo) – Eat 4 pounds of chocolate. Spend 3 hours looking at the Fertility Friend chart gallery at charts like mine. Some of them are pregnant.

CD23 (9dpo) – Debate whether or not it’s too early to test. It is, maybe tomorrow instead. Wonder if it’s all my fault I’m not pregnant. Maybe if I hadn’t eaten that chocolate or gone for that run?

CD24 (10dpo) – Pee on evil FRER test. It is as white as snow. Except for that stupid control line sneering at me. Try to convince myself it was just too early. Except beginning to have cramps. Not a good sign.

CD25 (11dpo) – More mild cramping, very irritable, and bite poor husband’s head off for something, but I can’t remember what.

CD26 (12dpo) – Sobbing uncontrollably on toilet as there was some spotting. Wait! Maybe it’s implantation spotting! Then realize it’s much too late for that.

CD27 – NOPE! It’s CD1 again. Begin with crying and wailing and end with wondering if we will ever have children.

~ by Larisa on December 12, 2005.

11 Responses to “anatomy of a cycle”

  1. Months are no longer months but cycles… and I’m so very sorry you’re back on CD1.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  2. Mrs. Hope-
    I had to laugh out loud at your post, not because of what you go through every month– but because it reminds me so much of ME! Especially the crying and yelling at dh.

  3. Oh yes, what a pattern I see there. You’ve captured it beautifully, particularly the way that Hope fluctuates through the month.

  4. What an accurate description of what our cycles are like.

  5. That pretty much sums it up.

  6. Larissa-

    OMG I could have pretty much written your post!!!

    What I liked was the testing to make sure the trigger worker. I did that this cycle too because I couldn’t feel the medicine when I injected. It sucked looking at those 2 perfect purple lines. What made me mad was that after 16 months, the only way I got to see those double lines is by injecting myself with the hormone that would force the test to turn positive.

    Anyways, Great post:)


  7. Ah Mrs. Hope, such a familiar story. It’s infuriating and heartbreaking.

  8. Far out! What a familiar story!

    I want you to know that there def. is hope…..I am thinking about you and hope that 2006 brings you bigger and better things.

  9. {{HUGS}}

  10. You got it right… every bit.
    I hope this cycle brings you a new story.

  11. Wow, that sounds awfully familiar. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one going through the emotional rollercoaster that is a monthly cycle!

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