gains and losses

I’ve been thinking a lot about what infertility has taken from me, as well as what I have taken from it. Don’t get me wrong, I would take all of the time, energy, and emotion invested back to have one of those “first try” pregnancies. But there are some things I have learned and gained that I might not have if I wasn’t riding this roller-coaster.

What have I gained?
1) A new respect for my husband. He so wants me to be happy, for this to succeed. Without his support, I really woudn’t have made it this far.
2) An overwhelming appreciation and love for the child I have yet to conceive. I promise to never let a day go by that a child of mine doesn’t know he or she is loved.
3) Empathy that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I am better at taking others’ perspectives because I can remember what I would have thought about infertility (really dumb stuff) before I began this journey.
4) An inner strength I didn’t know I had. Like the ability to smile and say, “Congratulations” to the cute little teacher across the hall when she announced her pregnancy. Or the ability to give myself shots in the tummy.
5) You. The beautifully written blogs that bring me to tears on a regular basis. The support from the groups I belong to. I wouldn’t have known any of you without infertility.

What have I lost?
1) The ability to conceive a child in the privacy of my bedroom. To hold that little secret in my heart until we were ready to tell. Now our parents know about my ovaries, my coworkers know about my multitude of appointments.
2) The ability to trust that my body knows what it is supposed to be doing.
3) The ability to have a pregnancy where I don’t fret every day that it isn’t real.
4) The ability to dream about my future family.
5) A piece of my heart.

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~ by Larisa on December 16, 2005.

8 Responses to “gains and losses”

  1. And now you have brought me to tears.

    It’s that piece of the heart that is most missed.

  2. so perfectly written…

  3. I could have written the same lists. But to give you hope about that missing piece of your heart…

    I don’t ever think it is really and truly restored, because I can’t imagine infertility ever *not* being part of you.

    But.

    I think when you find your way to parenthood (and I know you will, Mrs. Hope), you get a larger piece given back.

    Just my theory. Let’s test it out.
    -D.

  4. Oh yes, those are all true for me too. The one thing that doesn’t feel like a big loss is conceiving in private. I just want a baby so much that I don’t care what we have to do to get it.

  5. So true Mrs. Hope.

  6. Larissa,
    I really love reading your posts.
    So so so true everything you wrote!!!
    Like you ( and probably everyone else) I would give anything to have been one of those first try pregnancies. But I know that when I do get that BFP one day it will be about a thousand times huger then it is for those fertile people.
    I’m also really with you on the privacy of the bedroom thing. I wish my child could be concieved naturally and not with a doctor and a nurse in the room.

    Timea

  7. Well said! I can relate to all of it. Particularly the part about finding the strength to give yourself shots in the stomach.

  8. What a great post…everything was true. You described so well what we have and what we don’t have.

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