all roads lead to…

Christmas.

This should be a great week for me. I’m off from work, I’ve started my injections, the weather has been lovely. I’ve finished all my shopping save my father’s gift. He’s impossible.

If I bury my head in the sand, will Christmas just go away?

I never decorated the house at all this year. I think I really need to ignore Christmas this year.

As a child, I adored Christmas. Everything about it. The smell of the tree, the music, the colors, the busy malls, midnight mass. I would wake up at 4:00 in the morning and just wait until I was allowed to venture down the stairs. It was a magical holiday for me.

I wanted desperately to skip it the year that Sean died, but my mother and J wouldn’t let me. Last year I wanted to celebrate, and I desperately wanted Christmas to have the glow and charm it had when I was a child.

Everything was beautiful. The dinner was lovely. The presents were great. But it was still empty. There was no glow, even when I close my eyes and try to make it shine. Sean is noticeably absent from all the pictures both real and in my mind.

So this Christmas I will participate by buying gifts. But I’m not going to pretend that it will be “normal”. I’m not sure that Christmas will ever hold the magic it used to for me. I can hope that if I have a child, I will be able to see Christmas through his or her eyes. That having someone to have Christmas for will make it magical again.

But I don’t have that now. And as hopeful as I am for this cycle, I haven’t managed to shake that doubting question (will we ever have children?) from my mind. So on Christmas I will put on my happy face for the in-laws, but my heart won’t be in it.

*********************************************************
The shots are going well. I’m doing them myself, and the first night was full of false starts before I actually got that little needle into my belly. Not really feeling anything, not that I expected to by now. My doses are pretty small. I go tomorrow for b/w and a date with the wand.

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~ by Larisa on December 21, 2005.

6 Responses to “all roads lead to…”

  1. I know how difficult the holidays are…wish we could skip them. I’m also not looking forward to pretending all is okay.

    Glad the shots are going well. Can’t wait to hear about your u/s.

  2. I’m glad your shots are going well.

    I’m with you on the ostrich approach to Christmas this year. It’s hard when soooo many people are out Christmas shopping for their kids, and the only place we can go to do that is Petsmart.

    I hope this cycle brings the gift that will put the magic back in Christmas for you.

  3. I remember gradually losing the glow of christmas as I got older, and missing it every year. And I didn’t have to deal with the loss that you’ve had. I hope you manage to squeeze a bit of glow in there this year.

  4. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for you and yours, but I hope that you find some small peace in this holiday season.

    So nice to hear you’re managing with your shots (they’re scary at first!).

    Wishing you all the best, and all the magic you’re missing.

  5. I’m basiaclly doing what you are doing this year.

    I bought people presents, and I will be having Christmas dinner with my parents and dh, but my heart is not into it at all.

    Funny, but I really thought I would be pregnant for the holidays.

    The combination of not having Sean with you and the struggle to get pregnant is a ton to handle. ‘m not suprised you feel the magic of Christmas gone.

    I do think the magic will come back though. When you will have a child (and you will) Christmas will have that special feeling again.

    Things will be better for you Larissa. Hopefully next year this time you will either be very pregnant or have a baby in your arms.

    Timea

  6. I haven’t decorated. I didn’t buy a tree. I’m not done wrapping presents, and I’m probably not done shopping for everyone… but I’m done. I can’t do it this year.

    I haven’t had a loss like yours, but I don’t feel anything at Christmas anymore.

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