dark days

In the midst of all this holiday hustle and bustle, and the addition of self-injecting myself, I have had some very low moments. I feel like I should be happy and optimistic. Instead I feel like there are large decisions looming, and I run the options, the finances through my head, over and over and over.

I haven’t had a day with dry eyes in over a week. I cried off and on the entire three hour trip to Dallas. I’m either depressed or the injections don’t agree with my psyche.

I continue to feel so broken. My soul feels worn, my heart shattered, my mind is racing, and my body doesn’t feel like it belongs to me.

Over the years we have known each other (13) and been married (7), our sex life has waxed and waned a little. But I’ve always enjoyed it, if you get my drift.

Since the surgery, I don’t feel like I own my body below my waist. I want to have sex, we have sex, and nothing. I burst into tears last night when J asked me what was wrong, why it wasn’t working. I don’t know.

My mother-in-law asked her questions during our brief (overnight only) visit. She doesn’t understand any of what is going on, and I’m protecting J a little by not sharing the funny-shaped sperm information.

I just feel like I don’t know how much longer I can bear this. This grieving every month. This ride between hope and despair – that can change in seconds. This feeling irritated by everything. This sadness.

But then the only solution I can imagine is to fix it, to get pregnant. So the ride continues.

I trigger tonight. My IUIs will be tomorrow and Wednesday. I have two and a half follicles (22, 20, 15) on the left ovary. My right ovary threw in the towel this cycle.

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~ by Larisa on December 26, 2005.

5 Responses to “dark days”

  1. I’m sure the depression is a big, mean mix of everything. I can’t imagine someone not feeling depressed while on this ride.

    I hope the light breaks soon… for all of us.

    Thanks for your kind words on my site.

    {{{hugs}}}

  2. Injections did make me more emotional, but it was still better than Clomid for me. Good luck on the IUIs, I hope it turns into the light at the end of the tunnel.

  3. You explained the feelings so well. It’s true, a baby would fix it, which is why we cannot stop this crazy life we live. Therefore we suffer more than our fair share of ups and DOWNS. Good luck with this cycle.

  4. Thinking of you and hoping the IUIs go smoothly.

  5. Very eloquently put. It’s hard to imagine going through this and NOT feeling depressed. It’s a draining process in every way – emotionally, physically, financially.

    I hope this cycle works for you and that the sadness lifts very very soon.

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