the calm

We had our consult this morning. He spent 45 minutes with us, which is the longest I’ve been in a room with him while wearing pants.

I asked all my questions, he answered some I didn’t know I had, and I still really really like him. I can joke with him and be serious with him at the same time. He is blunt, which I appreciate greatly. I’m wishy-washy enough; I don’t need a doctor who beats around the bush.

As I expected, he still thinks IUIs would eventually work. And I agree. It’s just the eventually part I can no longer tolerate. I could do 3 more, 6 more, 9 more, 12 more. The next one could always be “the one”. Or they could all fail. I said to him, “In the big picture, I can believe you – I think I will get pregnant.” He finished my sentence for me by saying, “But it’s the month after month where you can’t.” Exactly.

Financially, it only takes 2-3 more failures to equal one IVF cycle. Emotionally, I’m not sure I have 3 more failures in me. I’m not saying that if the IVF cycle fails that I won’t be devastated. I will be. But I’m devastated every month anyway. It’s been a really long two and a half years for me – not just with infertility. And I need the finality that IVF will bring. Either we will be successful and ecstatic. Or we will fail and begin grieving that loss and start the process of moving on to whatever comes next.

The egg-freezing study has been a bust thus far at my clinic. They are zero for four attempts in getting women pregnant. He is concerned that something is just “off” with the current protocol or freezing process. It’s been successful elsewhere, and they are currently reviewing their process and patient selection. So we are not doing the study.

I begin birth control pills Friday. J has to have another semen analysis next week so the embryology lab can play with his funny shaped sperm. We’ll have an appointment with the IVF nurse coordinator in the next couple of weeks. My doctor has several trips planned in March, so we will see what impact that has on my schedule. There was much discussion of my cervix, and I made it clear that I will not be doing transfer with any doctor but him.

So I’m calm today. I feel in my heart, in the pit of my stomach, and in my mind that this is the right decision. It will be hard. It will hurt. There will be tears. But it is right.

And hopefully there will be great joy.

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~ by Larisa on February 8, 2006.

8 Responses to “the calm”

  1. Good luck!

  2. Mrs. Hope, As someone who has gone through 7 failed IUIs and is now in her first IVF cycle, I can honestly say I think you’ve made the right choice. It’s not that hard and scary. And there might not even be pain. And I so hope that you will have great, great joy.

  3. I’m so happy you are moving on! I can tell you that the emotional part doesn’t get easier. You know I was ready to quit many times during my IVF cycle.
    The only pain is the meds burning.
    The joy? Getting pregnant!

    I’m here for any questions!

  4. I understand that it is hard to make the decision to move on to IVF. I will be here for you!

  5. I’m wishing you a ton of great joy at the end of this.

  6. Best wishes to you.

  7. Yes. Great joy.

    I think it’s a grand decision and am so glad you and your doctor are in sync.

    Joy to you, Mrs. Hope. Joy, joy, joy.
    -D.

  8. It must feel good to pull out the big guns…

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