what's wrong?

I wish I knew. Time is inching forward; I’m scheduled to begin Lupron on Saturday. I want to be excited, hopeful, ecstatic.

But I feel tired. I’m tired of thinking about all this stuff. I feel like I can’t keep up anymore. At home, at work, in infertile-land, in my mind.

I’m tired of hearing about babies. About pregnancies. About hope. I’m tired of hoping for myself.

I’m tired of pills, acupuncture, ultrasounds. I’m tired of advice. I’m tired of finances. I’m tired of the “do’s” and “don’ts”.

I’m tired of thinking about statistics, about what to do with hypothetical embryos. I’m tired of thinking of everything that can go wrong.

I’m tired of weighing all these decisions. And this is only IVF #1.

I hope I can let go of this need to control this process. I hope I can let this cycle proceed as it will proceed, knowing that I am doing everything in my power to let it work.

I hope I can.

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~ by Larisa on March 1, 2006.

3 Responses to “what's wrong?”

  1. You’ve got a lot on your plate right now and it is so very hard to get away from it all because its your body. Thinking of you and hoping you can do something just for you today.

  2. The whole thing is exhausting.

    I’m thinking about you.

  3. I think when the cycle starts it will be easier, you will be doing something. Hang in there.

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