contradiction

I am a walking internal conflict. An oxymoron, a juxtaposition, a contradiction.

I hold so much hope for this cycle; yet, in the same thought, I am convinced it will fail.

I avoid buying new clothes (because what if I get pregnant) while researching other fertility clinics (because what if this fails). I’ve begun a mental Plan B, as well as a mental list of names. I’ve thought about how I would tell J – both if it works, and if it doesn’t. I’ve thought about how I will make it through the rest of the school year if I have morning sickness, or if I’m so depressed I can’t get out of bed.

I think I’m trying my best to hope without letting my heart be crushed if this doesn’t work. Yeah, right. If this doesn’t work, I will be crushed no matter what.

So the door is cracked, and hope is sneaking, seeping, and oozing in.

Tomorrow is my first follicle check. My first little peek at what this cycle may yield. I hope it’s a promising peek.

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~ by Larisa on March 16, 2006.

7 Responses to “contradiction”

  1. I hope the stims are going well, the u/s tomorrow is promising, that this is the answer.

  2. Good luck tomorrow Mrs. Hope!

  3. IF makes us crazy, and the contradiction stuff is SO part and parcel. I felt it allll the time… one second I would be dreaming about baby names, and the next I would be researching adoption programs.

    It keeps you from losing your soul, I think. It keeps the door open for hope, and as much as the bitch abuses us, we need hope bad.

    Much luck on the follie check, m’dear. Post soon thereafter?
    -D.

  4. (((hugs)))

  5. (((hugs)))

  6. It is strange that we can feel hope so easily when we have been through so much. On the other hand there would be no reason to continue with these treatments if we did not believe it possible that they work.

    I am thinking of you and looking forward to good news!

  7. Hi….I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I just wanted to post a comment. Good luck, I hope this cycle is successful and you are reacting well to the meds. I can relate to not wanting to buy clothes…I did it all summer and fall!! We all have to keep believing that this will work for us!

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