die, hope, die

So I had to run up to the clinic to pick up lab slips. I called ahead of time and got them to give me 4, instead of one at a time.

When I got there, the receptionist handed me the stack, and I started to walk out the door. Then I noticed the sticky. It said…have pt see me…Nurse.

So I went back, and the receptionist got the nurse. She said…I noticed that no one has gone over the do’s and don’ts of pregnancy with you…and, well, you *are* pregnant. I took a deep breath, looked up at the ceiling and almost lost it.

She pulled me into an exam room.

She talked about how low the numbers are. I dared to ask…what are the odds that this will work out.

She hedged for a few sentences. Talked about the ONE patient whose numbers were like mine. And then she dropped the number.

Less than 5%.

And that, by Friday, my hCG should be 1000.

Somehow, I held it mostly together. I asked…so how long do we keep doing this bloodwork?

She said…that’s the problem with bloodwork…we keep doing it until it either drops or doesn’t rise anymore.

And then she said, but we’re all trying to be “cautiously optimistic.”

I told her…you know, this is really hard.

She hugged me. And said all we can do is wait for Friday’s result.

I asked…is there a point at which I’m “safe”.

She hedged and hedged and hedged.

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~ by Larisa on April 12, 2006.

11 Responses to “die, hope, die”

  1. You’re going through an excruciating patch of torture it seems. I’m sorry this isn’t going easier for you, but hope it will get better very very soon.

    Take care.

  2. This is indeed torture. At least the nurse didn’t spin you a line. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this.

  3. My heart goes out to you during this limbo period. It must suck…even worse than the two week wait because there in front of you is a little precious carrot. Thinking of you…

  4. My heart goes out to you during this limbo period. It must suck…even worse than the two week wait because there in front of you is a little precious carrot. Thinking of you…

  5. i know this isn’t much but i wish i could just give you a big hug. i know, i know, it isn’t much…

  6. Oh babe…
    You are amazing- to be able to stay strong in that office. How insanely frustrating and terrifying this must be.
    And yet…
    Hope lives on. I just can’t seem to let go of it for you. I’m praying for that to be a good thing.
    -D

  7. I’m so sorry you’re continuing to have to go through this. I wish there was something to say to make it easier, but I know there isn’t. Thinking of you…

  8. This is torturous for you. All my bestest wishes for Friday.

  9. I was totally ignorant of statistics when I had my pregnancy with the initial low beta. And, as Thalia puts it, I was fed line after line… but it worked. My loss was not due to the initial low beta but because of different complications that we were not aware of at that time.

    I’m with Dramalish. I can’t let go of hoping and hoping that these numbers just keep climbing for you.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  10. I am so sorry. I really hope that things were better today.

  11. I am rooting for you! I relate so much to the feelings you have expresssed. I will have my 14dpt hcg drawn on Saturday, and I’m very nervous. I’ve done three hpts already, all negative.

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