the hope in between

Today will be ok. Today I can have hope. Today I can almost say the words, “I am pregnant.”

The beta days are almost unbearable. While I want to know what is going on, the anxiety builds from the moment I get my blood drawn to the moment the nurse says that critical number. It feels like everyone is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The anxiety and terror are nearly unbearable. The moment I hang up the phone, I burst into tears. From relief, from fear, from knowing I will have to live this moment again in another 48-72 hours.

I promised myself I wouldn’t live the first weeks of pregnancy in absolute terror. But I also didn’t know what beta hell was. I had never heard the phrase “cautious optimism” issued from the mouths of so many people or so often from my clinic.

I wanted to be able to actually enjoy this time. Enjoy the little secret J and I would have from the world.

Instead of enjoyment, the best I can do is neutral (on non-beta days).

I don’t even know if I am supposed to contact my ob/gyn yet. I’m not going to – that would be too bold, too confident for how tenuous the situation feels to me. I don’t even know if I like my ob/gyn.

Hopefully, Friday’s results won’t crush the hope that builds between now and then.

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~ by Larisa on April 12, 2006.

2 Responses to “the hope in between”

  1. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only pray that those number keep growing stronger and stronger.

    Hoping right along with you.

  2. No one would be able to cope with this with zen-like composure. No one.
    But it won’t last forever, that is certain. And I’m really, really hoping that it won’t last because you’ll get reassuring news again and again.

    Thinking of you.

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