in fertility and infertility

J asked, “Don’t you remember that line from our vows?” as I was sobbing and apologizing for being so broken. He wins amazing husband of the year award from me.

I’ve turned my life on it’s head since the last post.

And no, I wasn’t lucky enough for the last blood draw to be the LAST. No, no, I get to go back Monday – again.

1) On Monday (the 24th) we did talk to my doctor for about 30 minutes on the phone. I had sent a 3 page document that was half letter, half questions. He answered all – though some not quite to my satisfaction yet. He will do the fresh cycle if that is what we decide. Long story short, he thinks most of the issue was egg quality. As it turns out, of the 26 eggs retrieved, 9 were immature, and 5 more were “atretic” (dead) or post-mature. Of the 12 of the remaining eggs, 11 fertilized via ICSI, and we know at least 10 of those 11 just plain sucked. His only change – lower stim dosages. All in all, it was a very sad conversation.

2) He still recommends we use the single frozen blast. His logic doesn’t hold water for J at all. There is one thing he said that resonates with me – “you don’t know where life will take you in 2 years – you can’t know that you will want more children – and I’ve seen so many couples decide that they are done after one.” I understand what he is saying – I never thought I’d be here – childless, brotherless, forking out thousands upon thousands of dollars to have a baby.

J’s argument is – we know we want more than one child. We know we will go back for frozens even if (in the unlikely situation) we have twins – he says – we are taking that risk by doing this in the first place. That yes, if we have one, and don’t have any frozen embryos, that yes – it would be a very difficult decision to return to this HELL. That maybe we wouldn’t. But that would be “settling” – and we would always wonder – should we have tried again? So we do the fresh cycle, and hope hope hope that we succeed. And hope hope hope that we get at least one more frozen. So that we can come back for a second child without quite so much trepidation.

3) We will do the fresh cycle. But I’m not admitting to having made a decision. I’m putting the actual decision making off until I have to make the phone call to the IVF nurse. I have one full pack of pills that I will take before I have to make that call. I don’t start the pills until my hCG is in the negative range.

4) We have a second opinion phone consultation with that big, famous clinic in Colorado. I want to see if there is anything different they would do. My dr knows and is supportive.

5) We sold my car today. It was a nice car, and paid off. We got a one year old, barely used car and netted $5k. Wonder what we’ll be doing with that money?

6) I submitted my letter of resignation for the 2006-7 school year. I will still work – on a contract or hourly basis for a few different places, but I will not have a job – at least for a little while.

7) I have my first counseling appointment this Wednesday. It is with a woman who has gone through IVF – at my clinic – and specializes in infertility. It is so dark in my world – and J says this looks as bad to him as the first 3 months after my brother died. I say more like the 3-6 month mark.

That scares me – each day after he died seemed to get a tiny bit better. Each day, each month, each cycle of this gets worse. I don’t want to enter a cycle feeling like this. I want J to have his wife back. I want me back. I have been grieving for two and a half years. I don’t have the strength – I don’t have it – for this. For this repeated heartbreak, for this roller coaster ride. I listen to and read about women who have been doing this twice as long as me, and I know that I cannot do that. I cannot maintain this anxiety level for that length of time.

I am ashamed of that, I feel guilty about that, I want to be strong enough. I am worried that her recommendation would be to take a break – that is absolutely the last thing I want to do.

8) On the day I found out officially that the pregnancy was not viable, I got a letter in the mail saying my brother’s fund was officially established and would begin disbursements. On the day I had the saddest conversation ever with my doctor, I met with the librarians to discuss what would be purchased and the bookplate design. Why are these events so intertwined? Why in the past two and half years have these things occurred? These things that will mark my life forever? It feels as though I know nothing but grief, and that nothing but grief is around each turn.

~ by Larisa on April 30, 2006.

9 Responses to “in fertility and infertility”

  1. Oh, Mrs. Hope, I feel so much for you. We have so much in common. I too am mourning the loss of my brother and my baby. I am waiting for my hcg to come down (not that it ever got high enough in the first place). I too want to get working on the next attempt and my doctor is telling me I have to wait until at least August. I’m proud of you for the decisions you have made. Good luck to you, and I will keep checking back on your progress. I’m praying for babies for both of us in 2007!

  2. Mrs. Hope, I’m glad you’ve made some positive decisions in the midst of all the sadness. You and J seem to have a strong sense of what is right for you, and that’s wonderful.

    I’m sorry it’s so dark and so sad out there. It will get better. I don’t know how or when, but I know it will.

  3. I’m sorry you are going through so much. It sounds like you have made some good decisions though. I know counseling really helped me. *hugs*

  4. Mrs. Hope, I’m glad that you’ve been able to make some decisions, and I hope V. (if that is who you are seeing) will help you.

    As far as comparing yourself to what others have done IF-wise, I will tell you what I’m sure V. would tell you and what I’ve been trying to remind myself. You’ve already been through a life-altering trauma before you even began IF treatment. Your brother’s death left you emotionally depleted; it’s no wonder that you feel spent after what you consider a few IF treatments. (Although I think you’ve been through a lot.)

    And I think that your brother’s death has shown you the fragility of life and makes you less willing to dwell in the dark place for too long. You know that everything can change in an instant.

    And while it feels like everything just keeps getting worse, this too will change one day. There will be resolution. You are just in the worst of it right now.

    I’m sorry if any of this comes across as assvice. It’s certainly not my intent. It’s just that I heard myself in your pain.

    Thinking of you and J.

  5. Mrs. Hope I am thinking and praying for you. I don’t have much advice but I know you and J will get through this together. Take care of yourself. If you need to talk, you know how to get me. Hugs.

  6. Mrs. Hope, G-d – after reading your post I just wanted to get on the phone and call you. Oh honey…

    First, I think J’s logic makes perfect sense. And I’m so glad that you have him to help make these decisions with you and to give you such support. He’s a good guy.

    Second, the car switch, the job change and the counseling appointment all sound like good things for you right now. Do keep taking care of yourself.

    And finally, don’t compare yourself to other IFers. Everybody’s situation is completely different – even if their IVF protocol is the exact same. I am awed by the strength and grace you’ve exhibited in such terrible circumstances.

    I am so sorry that right now everything looks and feels so bleak. I hope and wish that good news and joy and happiness find their way to you soon.

  7. Mrs. Hope, I think you are incredibly strong to cope with the pressure and disappointment of infertility with such grace. I hope that all the decisions you have made is the constructive start you need to the next step.

  8. I am so sorry. I wish there were words that could make you feel better. Just know that you aren’t alone.

  9. I’m sorry things have been so difficult…it isn’t fair. J sounds wonderful and it’s great that you are making some decisions. {{HUGS}}

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