why?

Well, we had a great time at the lake house. It’s truly beautiful and completely relaxing to sit and read by the pool overlooking the lake.

The other good news is that 2 blastocysts made it to freeze. That means we have 3 frozen, which makes me feel better about really doing a frozen cycle.

The really bad news? That it’s looking like we’ll probably have to use them. Like soon.

Yeah, hpt today – completely negative. Stark white. And it’s one of the good ones. And my hCG should be high enough today to at least get a faint positive. I’m 12 DPR for anyone interested.

So I figure there are a few possibilities. 1) I’m right, this cycle is a complete bust. 2) I’m wrong, I just tested too early. 3) I’m in for another low beta nightmare.

I’m trying to be a little funny here. But truly – I know the outcome isn’t going to be good. I KNOW.

My heart is aching.

I wonder what is so wrong with me that my body won’t keep these babies.

Why us? Why 2 failed cycles? Why and how do I keep doing this?

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~ by Larisa on July 25, 2006.

15 Responses to “why?”

  1. I’m so sorry. I’m sending you hugs and prayers that it was just too soon.

  2. Mrs. Hope –

    I’m so, so sorry to hear this. We are living parallel lives…I am 13 days post-retrieval, was a good responder, had good fertilization and quality on this (my 2nd IVF w/ ICSI), transferred two, and today…BFN on a good test. I really couldn’t believe it, either. I also have endo (stage 2) – removed 6 months ago, but it’s visible again on my ovaries already. Maybe it’s just making everything toxic to my embryos.

    I am hoping that you tested too early, but I also know the feeling of just KNOWING. I hope you find some answers. It totally sucks.

  3. Mrs. Hope:

    I read your blog and follow your life as you write it here. You ask “Why and how do I keep doing this?” I don’t think anyone can answer that but you, but I just want you to know that there are readers and listeners who believe you do this because you have to, and who don’t judge you or think you’re wrong or foolish but that this is the smartest thing for you to do as long as you feel the pull to do it. Because in one form or another, we hope and intervene and try and try and try, too, we understand. And so are all the sadder for you. But still stand behind you and with you fully.
    Peace,
    C.

  4. Oh, Mrs. Hope, I’m still going to hope with everything I have that it’s too early.

    But my heart still breaks for you and J. I don’t know why.

  5. Hoping that it is just too soon!

  6. Fuck. Why you indeed. I hate the unfairness, the randomness, the no bloody reason of it all.

    I’d like to say keep holding on to hope, that it could be too early, or it could be a faulty batch of hpts, but on the other hand false hope might be worse.

    If you choose to try again – with either a fresh or frozen cycle – it’s because you feel the need to. And no one would question why you feel that need.

  7. Mrs. Hope, I am so, so sorry. I hope your feeling is incorrect and it’s just too early.

  8. Larissa I am so sorry to hear that bad news. I hate it when everything seems to go right in the cycle and yet it is still negative.

  9. I’m so sorry the test was negative. It takes a while to pick yourself up again. But no matter what you decide to do, you will.

  10. Well crap! I am so sorry. I would love to say that maybe its too early to test but I was annoyed as hell when someone said that to me last time, because I knew in my gut the test was right. Again, I am so, so sorry.

  11. I hope it’s too early for the HPT, but also that you will have success in this endeavor and some kind of inner confidence that the process will work soon.

    We’re in month 28 of TTC the old fashioned way. I know I could easily have said the wrong thing, and hope you’ll take the warm wishes from my heart to mitigate it if I did.

    Rose

  12. Well, hmmm. And hmmph. Uncertainty stinks. And a lot of other things. If this is bad news, let it be the last of it for this cycle. Good news on the 3 blasts, and one last prayer for a little pink on a stick tomorrow.

  13. i’m so sorry, Mrs. Hope…i’m hoping/praying that this is just too soon…HUGS

  14. Just so you know, I tested negative 12 DPR too, and am now 17 weeks pg with a girl. My beta at 14DPR=37 which was really low, so stranger things have happened. I’m so sorry it was negative though, I know its frustrating.

  15. I’m so sorry. I really hope you got the result you did simply because it’s too early.

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