I’ve been pretty proud of myself this cycle – both during and after. I’ve managed to stay mostly calm, mostly ok, mostly me.

Then there are days like today.

Days where the tears just fall. As I cook, as I clean, as I fold laundry. As I read all of your blogs, and I can’t find the heart to comment.

There are so many things to be happy about in infertile bloggy-land, but so many heartbreaks as well. They both make me cry today.

My body hurts, my heart aches, and my mind races trying to think of *the* solution. I’m not ready to give up, but sometimes I want nothing more but to not want to be a mother. If I could not want it, it wouldn’t hurt from the bottom of my soul.

Sometimes I feel like we are so close to “fixing” this, to reaching our goal. And then sometimes, so, so, so far away.

~ by Larisa on August 4, 2006.

10 Responses to “tears”

  1. ((((HUG))))

    No one is strong enough to put aside the pain of what you have been through.

    I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I wish there was more I can say.

    You are in my thoughts.

  2. Exactly, often I would like to just forget the whole thing for ever, to ban the desire.

    Good luck with the trial run.

  3. I know how that goes. All of it. I wish we could just switch off our desires. I wish the tears would stop — for all of us.

  4. I wish I could fast forward these hard times for you, me, for all of us. Hugs honey.

  5. Yes, unfortunately it’s the wanting part that makes this so hard.

    You should still be proud of yourself. Tears are nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve heard the best people cry.

  6. Hey sweetie, just thinking about you and sending you hugs.

  7. Ugh, that feeling totally sucks. I have cried more (and more randomly) in the past six months than I have in the past six years. I thought I was doing better with the failure of IVF #2, but, like you, the despair can really descend upon me and I’ve found myself crying hard when I thought I was fine. Hang in there.

  8. “…sometimes I want nothing more but to not want to be a mother.” That describes perfectly how I feel sometimes.

    I’m sorry you were having a tough day. I hope the days since have been better.

    Thinking of you and offering hugs…

  9. Thinking of you, L.

    I’m so sorry you’ve got so much going on, and I wish there was something I could personally do to make it better.

  10. Thinking of you my friend…I hope you do find the solution but until then I will say some prayers and hope.

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