quiet decisions

My FET, though I didn’t have an official date, has been delayed 2 weeks. Of course, that doesn’t make me a happy girl.

While I know the FET isn’t even underway as yet, and I know that there’s that statistical possibility that it will work, I’ve been contemplating what happens should the more likely event occur (that it fail).

My doctor would recommend a third fresh cycle. J says we will do a third fresh cycle.

I’m quietly trying on the no children ever decision. Yeah, I know I can’t decide until the moment occurs. I know that if it does occur, I will still do the Lupron Depot for 3 months – in case I change my mind.

But instead of knowing that I want to keep at this, more and more I’m not so sure.

There are many factors weighing in my mind. While we seem to have a solution for transfer, I’m not convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that there isn’t something else going on. Could be the endometriosis, could be something with my eggs, could be something with J’s sperm.

The endometriosis is “tackle-able”. The possibility of egg or sperm (my doctor thinks it’s more likely a sperm issue) problems – these are not right now. We already do ICSI. I stimulate “beautifully”.

I don’t want to live this treatment life indefinitely. I’m tired of dealing with nurses, of knowing more about this stuff than they do. I’m tired of hoping and hoping and hoping – only to have my heart broken each time. I’m tired of spending money on treatment while feeling guilty for spending it on anything else.

It’s getting harder to imagine continuing to pursue this goal. It’s getting easier to imagine stopping. It’s getting easier to dream of other things – dreams I might actually reach.

I don’t know how to hope for this cycle. I want it to work so much – so that I don’t have any decisions like this to make. But then I know the statistics – and I don’t want to hope because it hurts so much.

~ by Larisa on August 18, 2006.

7 Responses to “quiet decisions”

  1. I hear you. There are days I think, can I live without it. Am I ready to pursue it someother way. Life would be so much easier if the answers were a definite yes.

    I hope after this cycle you don’t have to answer those questions.

  2. You said all of this better than I ever could. It definitely resonates. And the whole situation is very trying (to say the least).

  3. Good luck with this cycle. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you.

  4. I’m not there yet. I’ll have to try IVF at least once. But I can imagine getting there in a not too distant future.

    Trying the decision on for a while sounds like a good plan. Though I hope it will be moot soon.

  5. Man I have been there. We have a good life but all this trying and failing can drive you totally crazy. A normal life would be nice.

    HUGS to you and the decisions you have to make. None of it is fun.

  6. I remember feeling like I knew better than the nurses and getting so frustrated with them and that was after only three months of clomid and follicle tracking. It is a relief to get out of the treatment ‘life’ so I really hope this works for you and you can have a rest.

  7. A very eloquent post. I’m sorry your FET has been delayed, but I hope it’s successful once it’s underway. I’m rooting for you.

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