stepping forward

I had my lining check this morning – 11.2 – looked “great” per my doctor. As long as the progesterone level comes back showing that I haven’t ovulated, we begin the PIO tonight. Laminaria placement will be Friday, transfer on Saturday.

They are letting me try 1 inch needles (instead of 1.5 inch) for the PIO. I’m pretty slender – and I’ve had some weird nerve stuff with the 1.5 inch. The nurse said that if the PIO doesn’t get into my muscle that I’ll know – that it will be even more painful. So we try that tonight.

In other bloggy events, Spanglish has made a decision to stop with all this ART stuff. I am both proud of her and melancholy for her. I don’t like the decisions we infertiles are faced with – we didn’t choose to be infertile – but we now have to make decisions about our life paths that aren’t what we want. But – in the end – they are choices we have to make – that we do make – and that are so personal.

I know we are doing this FET. I am terrified that the blasts won’t survive. I am terrified that the act of transferring them to me will kill them.

I don’t know if we will do more if this fails. I asked J what he thought we should do if it failed – his heartbreaking sigh and answer: “I don’t know anymore.” This might be the end of our ART journey. But I haven’t committed yet.

And that’s why, in some ways I’m so proud of her. Because she is taking the power away from infertility and treatment and she is taking back the pieces of her life that remain. I hope I can find the pieces that remain for me if this doesn’t work.

~ by Larisa on September 18, 2006.

6 Responses to “stepping forward”

  1. That is a great lining, I hope it makes a comfy landing for that embryo.

    Deciding to stop is a courageous step. I didn’t realize it before, but pride and melancholy is exactly what I feel when one of my fellow IF’es decides to stop.
    Though part of me wants to rebel too and tell them not to give up. Perhaps because I’m not ready to quit.

  2. I think we will all eventually know when it is time to get off this merry-go-round. Each cycle I go in thinking this may be the last, but as soon as I receive another disappointing result, I am ready to make plans for the next attempt. Unfortunately my heart can’t continue to make these decisions. My head tells me I’ve spent all the money I can possibly afford to spend on infertility.

    Your lining is impressive. Good luck to you. May you not be put in the position of making any decisions about stopping now.

  3. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

  4. Awesome lining. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the blasts thaw – I think that if their quality is good, they have a great chance.

    1-inch needles, eh? Why have I never thought of that? (Er, because I’m not as smart as you are.) I’ve had nerve issues, too, as well as a few unfortunate incidents in which the needle struck whatever bone it is that is the back of your pelvis. Ouch.

    Spanglish’s post wonderfully captures the pressures and frustrations of IF – particularly all that you’re forced to give up. I’m proud of her for moving on. It takes strength to continue, and strength to say enough is enough.

  5. So hoping you don’t have to face that decision, and that this cycle provides the answer.

    And you’re right about Spanglish being brave.

  6. I’m hoping and praying and wishing that you won’t have to find pieces. I’m hoping you don’t give up. ART works for some of us — sometimes it just takes a little longer than expected.

    I don’t feel strong, sad, or brave. I mostly feel tired. And f r e e.

    May Saturday be the start of your dreams coming true…

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