let the insanity begin

As I sit here, squeezing my breasts for the umpteenth time today (no, they aren’t sore), I decided to share my sick little thoughts.

I’ll start by saying thank you for all the kind comments over the past weeks. I’ve been a terrible blog-reader/commenter – I just hardly have the heart. So many of you are holding my hope and thinking good things for me – know I am thinking the same for you.

The funeral was a funeral. I don’t have a lot to say about it. I’m thinking of linking to the obituary – I’m so proud of my grandmother. However, there’s a bit of personal information included, and I’m not sure I’m comfortable exposing myself that much.

I’m debating whether or not to share pictures of the blasts. I’m feeling very sensitive about them and protective of them – and it’s so hard to see them up here if the cycle fails.

How I know this cycle is going to work:
1) It’s the third transfer, and as everyone is aware, the third time is the charm.
2) My grandmother died. I told J before the first cycle that I just had this feeling that she would pass away during a cycle, and that that cycle would work.
3) I have absolutely no symptoms.
4) There is a chance significantly greater than zero that this is our last cycle ever. You always find what you are looking for the last place you look, right. Apply that rule here.
5) Transfer went well.
6) My clinic moved to shiny new buildings (with their name plastered in large letters at the top – immediately viewable from the highway) – surely the old offices were just cursed.
7) We took a risk with multiples and transferred 3 blasts.
8) It’s a frozen cycle – so no chance of OHSS. And I don’t have to drink a liter of gatorade a day.

How I know this cycle is going to fail:
1) My breasts are not sore.
2) We broke an almost completely full vial of PIO. If a mirror is 7 years of bad luck, what’s a vial of progesterone?
3) The laminaria placement was brutal. Things said: “It’s like a brick wall”, “Get another nurse, fast”, “There – it’s in…oh! No, it’s not”, “I’m just going to leave this (a metal rod in my cervix) sitting here for a minute or two to loosen things up”, “There’s this ridge of tissue I just can’t get past”, “No, push the wand harder”.
4) I had spotting Monday morning – mostly gooey stained cervical mucus. From the laminaria placement.
5) I flew on an airplane.
6) I had a cold last week that is now, despite taking a z-pack for the laminaria placement, becoming a sinus infection. Plus I’m coughing.
7) It’s a frozen cycle, so success rates are inherently lower.
8) Because I don’t know if this is ever going to happen for us.

~ by Larisa on September 27, 2006.

12 Responses to “let the insanity begin”

  1. Oh, hon, how I wish had some words of wisdom. What an emotional ride you’ve been on… especially the past few weeks. Just know I am thinking about you and wishing you the very, very best!

  2. The waiting is a mind game, no doubt about it. It possibly being the last cycle only adds to the tension.

    I hope you find some good distraction somewhere, and that you get fabulous news soon.

  3. Um.
    Okay, I’m just going to do it; I’m going to break a very important rule in the IF Blogosphere:

    It’s going to work. I think it’s going to work, Mrs. Hope.

    I know the last cycle I said I had a really good feeling, but this isn’t a feeling… It’s just this *thing.* I’m just sitting here, going, “yeah, she’s going to be a mom now.”

    I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m about a milisecond away from deleting this comment because it’s so dumb of me to tell you this.

    But there it is. If I’m wrong, well then, I’m wrong. It’s happened before. But for now, I just can’t get the idea out of my brain.

    Forgive me, friend, for this major faux paux.

  4. Wishing the best for you.


  5. Hugs and prayers are all I have to offer you.

  6. I hope this works. Good luck.

  7. Just checking in on you. On a positive note- at least your “It’s not going to work” list was not bigger than your “it’s going to work” list. That has to count for soemthing, right?
    I still have hope.

  8. Mrs. Hope,

    I am still holding your hope. So, I go with the first list.

  9. I hope third time is a charm for you!

  10. You know you could add the “I have a cold/sinus infection thing” to the positive list. I had the same thing with both of my positive IVF’s. Good luck and I really hope this works out for you.

  11. Ah, yes, the mental gymnastics of the 2ww. I’m in the same place right now. I hope your betas bring very good news. Thinking of you…

  12. There is no bad luck associated with broken vials of progesterone except the bad luck in the instance it happened.

    My breasts were not sore for either one of my pregnancies. They were sore because of the hormone treatment, then the soreness disappeared and it didn’t come back until well after the 2ww. Leave your boobs alone.

    Your thoughts aren’t sick at all. My thoughts are very much of you.

    hoping for you.

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