What to write? What is there to write?

I am beyond feeling frustrated. I’ve moved on to utterly discouraged. Sometimes furious. I’ve cried. And cried. And cried. And there are tears pooling now.

We’ve been pushed into a corner – now we have to decide about that 3rd fresh cycle, that 4th transfer. Do we stop? Do we continue?

I fluked into a consult with the big fancy Colorado place on Tuesday. It was my second phone consult with them. After that conversation, we will NOT be going there. We went around and around in circles about my cervix, with Dr. Cocky convinced that it wouldn’t be an issue for him at all. Well, I’m not paying $3300 to find out that it is. And his solution won’t work either, and there’s no way to prove that to him without cycling there.

I talked to my doctor briefly on Tuesday. More of a “social” call, but I did find out that he does believe that the laminaria placement the day before transfer is the solution. He feels 100% confident that even though the placement was difficult that it shouldn’t have had any negative impact on the cycle. He understands that I disagree with him. My homework between now and our sit-down appointment with him next Thursday is to figure out if I can be ok with the laminaria placement either at retrieval or the day before transfer. His homework is to search for other possible solutions. He “absolutely” recommends a 3rd fresh cycle. He was very kind, said he was thinking about us, and would continue to do so.

So I’m debating whether or not to seek a 3rd opinion. For now, I’m going to wait until after our appointment.

Both J and I are half looking for jobs that might have IVF coverage.

This is so so hard. And so so unfair. I’ve done everything I know to do. Everything the doctor has asked. I’ve done the fucking acupuncture, I take all of my meds, I’ve let him do horrible things to my cervix. I’ve sought other opinions. I’ve prayed, I’ve wished, I’ve begged, I’ve hoped.

What is left?

~ by Larisa on October 6, 2006.

17 Responses to “empty”

  1. Mrs. Hope, Motel Manager at embryomotel.blogspot.com had a BFP recently – she also had a laminaria and has had many difficulties with transfer. You may want to connect with her?

  2. Mrs. Hope, I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. Please know that I am thinking of you.

  3. There is no right decision and no wrong decision in situations like these, is there. That makes it all so much harder. Hang in there.

  4. Mrs. Hope, Thinking of you. I hope you find a good solution that gives you peace of mind.


  5. I have no advice. My heart aches for you, Mrs. Hope. I am pulling for you, and I think of you often!

  6. I am so sorry that you are in this position. Thinking of you.

  7. I am so sorry. HUGS!

  8. The question to stop or continue is a despairing one. I hate that you are in a state of despair.

    I’m glad you’re not going to Dr. Cocky. I have to say that I like your doctor. It is not easy to find a physician who is willing to communicate whether by phone, email, or in person with his patient. He has me impressed.

    I know that your question is rhetorical, and only you and J can come up with that answer. I wish I had something more to offer. Though I can’t give advice or any answers I can say that I have many hopes for you.

    I hope it all works out.

    I hope you or J are able to find good employment that offers insurance to cover IVF expenses.

    I hope if you are unable to find good employment, that maybe you can find temporary employment to cover IVF costs. As a teacher, maybe you can go back to your job later?

    Selfishly, I hope you go on fighting this battle and have a 3rd fresh cycle. I have no way of explaining why I especially want for YOU to be a mother. You deserve it — and maybe that’s snobby for me to say, but I feel like you deserve more than others.

    I also hope you get off the crazy train of infertility treatment. The hell coming to the decision to stop is no less painful or agonizing than the actual ride of infertility treatment, but picking up the pieces that remain can actually be quite cathartic and beautiful in its own way.

    I hope, above all else, that whatever decision you make, you come to it with peace.

    You and J are in my prayers.

  9. I can relate to so much of what you’ve written. I wish I had a way to make this happen, for you and for me.

    Stopping or continuing is a tough question that obviously only you can answer. When R and I first started this process, I said I’d do two fresh cycles, and then I’d be done. Now that the first one, and the first frozen one, didn’t work, part of me feels like “forget two, I’ll do 50 if that’s what it takes, please just let me have a baby.” The other part of me is tired and just wants my pre-TTC life back.

    Just remember, whatever you and J decide, there are a lot of us out here thinking of you and offering support.

  10. Mrs. Hope, I’m so sorry about this crap falling on you. Take your time and you’ll make the right decision for you. Lut’s right — there’s no right or wrong. hang in there and do some nice things for yourself.

  11. why do these decisions have to be so hard? i know the main reason —$$$$$$$$$$$$

    since you mentioned jobs, here’s a link to companies w/ infertility coverage:

  12. I had that same response from Dr. Cocky when I told him about the two difficult transfers I’d had at that point. He was like, “Oh, ho, well, I mean, I’m SURE your doctors know what they’re doing, but I feel confident, you know, that I could do it.” In the end, the person who did my best transfer was the newest staff physician. So who knows.

    I am so sorry you are having to face these decisions. It sucks.

  13. I don’t know Mrs. Hope, I don’t know what else you’re supposed to do. I think you’re just supposed to keep trying, that’s all any of us can do. It’s horrible and hard and just blooming miserable, but that’s the hand we got dealt. Unlike the other things in life we strive for, this one isn’t a prize that we can win with straight hard work.

    Thinking of you.

  14. Mrs. Hope ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))

    My computer has been on the fritz sorry I havent responded before now.

    Im thinking of you and J, this just fucking sucks. 😦

    Sending you lots of hugs this week.

  15. (((((HUGS))))) & ^^^^prayers^^^^ are all i have to offer you.

  16. My idea was to just become a RE–that’s GOT to have infertility coverage, right? Well, you’re definitely smart enough, and you care enough, and by this point you’ve got lots of experience. AND, drs are generally somewhat wealthy, anyway. I know of SLPs who have gone on to med school.

    Except, you deserve an easier path. You’re in my prayers for all these big decisions you have to make for both your heart and pocketbook.

  17. Mrs. Hope, Im thinking about you today. Hugs.

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