angry

Today, I’m angry. Maybe not the best day to edit my list of blogs, but I did anyway. If you no longer find yourself here, there’s a reason. It may be that you haven’t updated much (who am I to talk). It may be that I’m a selfish brat and can’t stand to read your blog anymore.

I have been a terrible blog friend myself. There are a couple of you (Spanglish in particular) that I owe emails and posts to – but I can’t right now. I’m too angry. And every time I sit to write, I cry or get more angry.

I’m angry that it’s not my turn. I’m angry that I don’t have faith that I will ever be a mother. I’m angry at the things I’m forced to do just to continue to have a chance (not a guarantee) at being a mother.

I’m angry at everyone.

But mostly, I’m angry with myself. With my body for continuing to fail me. With my mind for continuing to want this.

I hate who I’ve become. I hate who I will be if I can’t reach the only goal that will make the anger and the hatred go away.

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~ by Larisa on November 22, 2006.

26 Responses to “angry”

  1. So I assume I am one that you are angry at…

  2. Ah Mrs. Hope, it is so easy to be angry. So very easy to hate the process. But it is so fucking hard to change your mind, to decide that this doesn’t matter as much. Because it does matter that much, because somedays it’s all that matters.

    I am sorry you are having an angry time. I hope it gets a little better and I hope you have a much better year in 2007.

  3. Mrs. Hope — I am sorry that you are feeling so angry, but you are allowed to. You also have every right to protect yourself and edit your blog as you see fit (including axing me!). Good luck.

  4. Meh, I was never on your list anyways.

    I understand the frustration. This whole thing is just so fucking sucktastic. Especially with the looming Holiday Season crap.

    Wishing you the best, Sweetie. Hope things start to look up soon.

  5. I understand where you are at emotionally. I hate so much right now I can’t believe I’m able to face anyone. I’m tired of hating, and I too am afraid of what I will turn out to be if I don’t suceed.

  6. Oh angry is so part of the ugly process. Be angry just don’t stay that way. HUGS!

  7. “I hate who I’ve become. I hate who I will be if I can’t reach the only goal that will make the anger and the hatred go away.” I TOTALLY feel you and hear you…

    You don’t owe me a thing. Don’t even devote one bit of energy to worrying about whether or not you’ve responded to a post or email to me. I’m easy.

    Spew venom as long as you need. It’ll poison you if it stays inside. Please know the hatred and anger will subside. I still feel it, and I feel it often, but not at all the way I did last winter. It doesn’t get better, but it gets easier… and you don’t need to fret about hope or faith. We’re holding that for you.

  8. Boy, if you’re even angry at your fellow infertiles, you must be really livid. It happens.

    I hope it blows over soon, because I can’t imagine it being pleasant.

  9. Let it out, sweetie, otherwise you will explode. I know, I know.

  10. It is so much easier to be angry. I totally get it. Having all that anger is so toxic. I hope that 2007 is a year filled with success and happiness for you.

  11. Mrs. Hope.. I just got in but heading to bed just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you sweetie. Hugs honey.

  12. I can totally understand the anger, but I wish I could persuade you not to be angry at yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong, and your body is doing its best here. Rage at the universe for this situation, but try not to rage at yourself.

    I’ve found the months on depot Lupron pretty helpful in terms of just forgetting about the whole babies thing for a while (well, for a few minutes at a time anyway). I hope it will be a little bit helpful for you.

  13. I think anger is just such a part of the process. We all get angry about the expense, the disappointment, the unfairness of it all. Let your anger out. We all need to vent.

  14. You and I can be angry together!!

  15. I’m a lurker, mostly. I’m commenting here since the next post looks closed to comments. I’ve only recently found you, and don’t want you to go away or be less real because of others reaction to your posts. Other people’s real, honest, true stories, feelings, and reactions are so important to me as I’m starting out on this infertility journey. Seeing other people admit to being angry, jealous, whatever, gives me empathy for my own feelings, too.
    I understand if you do stop, but hope you reconsider. As a new blogger with one friend who reads my blog, I understand the “weirdness” of having her read it. But she does it because she loves me, and cares about how I’m doing. I’ve decided it’s ok for now.

  16. I came back to write how important your post ” angry” was for me. That is how I am feeling and it helped to read your blog. I hope very much that you don’t change your writing.
    Hang in there, that is what I am trying to do.

  17. Mrs. Hope – I just wanted to say I am one of the ones who read your posts from one of the ‘boards’ you used to chat on. I miss you. I’m so sorry things are crappy. It’s not fair at all. My BF (not from the boards) is going through her 2nd round of IVF right now and she is angry and grieving to. It really sucks. I will still continue to think about you and keep my fingers crossed. Love ya girlie! Kbug from the 20s board.

  18. Mrs. Hope-You are an inspiration to me, anger and all. You are real. You show your real feelings, the way life really is. I hope you will still post on here how things are really going for you. I’ll miss you and miss seeing what is going on with you. I wish you the best of luck in the future. You will really be missed.
    Hugs, Jodi

  19. Mrs. Hope

    First of all, huge hugs from a little ways north on I-35. Anger is a normal part of this, I’ve come to realize. In the past year, I’ve been angry at former doctors, angry at current doctors, angry at my husband, angry at myself, and downright pissed off at the universe. I’ve fought through tons of resentment bordering on hatred towards good friends and family members. I still do.

    I hope you will be able to use your blog as you need to. It is your place. You do us the honor by letting us peak in and know that there is one more out there who feels like us, who can share some insight, and make us all a little less alone. Blogrolls? When did they become some sort of currency? When did it become a requirement to post on other’s blogs? Do what YOU need to do to get through this. I’d hate for you to feel you have to hide anything and miss out on the available support when things get bumpy, but if that’s what you need, so be it.

    I hope you find your way out of this patch of fog soon.

  20. Mrs. Hope

    First of all, huge hugs from a little ways north on I-35. Anger is a normal part of this, I’ve come to realize. In the past year, I’ve been angry at former doctors, angry at current doctors, angry at my husband, angry at myself, and downright pissed off at the universe. I’ve fought through tons of resentment bordering on hatred towards good friends and family members. I still do.

    I hope you will be able to use your blog as you need to. It is your place. You do us the honor by letting us peak in and know that there is one more out there who feels like us, who can share some insight, and make us all a little less alone. Blogrolls? When did they become some sort of currency? When did it become a requirement to post on other’s blogs? Do what YOU need to do to get through this. I’d hate for you to feel you have to hide anything and miss out on the available support when things get bumpy, but if that’s what you need, so be it.

    I hope you find your way out of this patch of fog soon.

  21. I hope you’ll let some of us know where you go. I’d like to keep reading.

  22. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t told my friends in real life about my blog. Sometimes I wish I could just put it all out there. Wherever you go, I would love to still read. Drop me an email. gracehopeandfaithatgmaildotcom

    HUGS!

  23. Damn this thing ate my comment….I am so very sorry you are having one of those days/lives. This infertility shit sucks…bad. Eloquent no? I hope it passes but if it does not please let me know where you go.

  24. For some reason, I wasn’t getting your posts through bloglines, and then when I went looking for your blog, I couldn’t find it. I thought you had taken it down.But I found it quite easily today. It was probably just the slow addling of my brain along with my ovaries.

    Anyhoo, enough about me, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. But please just let this anger out. And I’m sorry that this blog is no longer the outlet you need. I hope the holidays aren’t too difficult but hey, who thinks they won’t be? If you ever need a margarita, just let me know. They (and I do mean more than one) are on me.

  25. I swear I left a comment already… where is it??? 😦

    I just want to tell you that angry is understandable, because it’s no damn fair- the whole thing.

    We’re here, Mrs. Hope. I hope you don’t go away, because you deserve this as your outlet.

    Screw what other people think.

    Hugs.
    -D.

  26. Isn’t it amazing how a post, even an outdated post, can so resonate with you. I stumbled upon your blog for Blogger Bingo and started reading back and back and back. Today we were supposed to find a post on anger, but I didnt want to find just any post, I wanted it to be a feeling I could identify with because lets be honest, the whole point of bingo is to discover new blogs and whats the point of discovering new blogs if we can’t identify with them. So I was reading back and back and came to this line. “I’m angry that it’s not my turn. I’m angry that I don’t have faith that I will ever be a mother. I’m angry at the things I’m forced to do just to continue to have a chance (not a guarantee) at being a mother.” And bam! There it was, my thoughts today typed out nearly three years ago in your words. I get that, that feeling, that anger. So then I read your new post dated 9/2/09 “The tormented mind” and that hits me too because those are the thoughts that have been going through my mind today. I am sorry but grateful to find your blog. Sorry for your struggles, but grateful that even though our journeys are so very different, I was still able to find validation in your words for so many of the things I am feeling.

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