First, I don’t plan to abandon this blog entirely. I just filter so much what goes here at this point, that I’m not sure it’s working for me. For example, I don’t post much at all about my doctor anymore – mostly because I don’t want to influence someone else’s impression of him. Or whether or not they seek care from him. I’ve never posted his name, but it wouldn’t be hard to figure out who he is based on where I live and other information I’ve posted. I also haven’t posted a word about this new job of mine. So if I’m not posting all the information in my life, then this is not a journal any longer.

Some of you are going password protected. I’ve thought about it – but I do like the idea that some poor woman out there might get some benefit from reading about my experiences with laminaria placements. However, password protection would mean that I could and would post more detailed information.

If I write “elsewhere”, it won’t be online. I kept a journal on my computer after my brother died. I stopped that when I found out my sister had read it.

If I had a physical diary, the problem would be the same. My SIL was caught reading my MIL’s diary – it seems there’s always someone prying.

And it’s not that I don’t want to share this information. I’m pretty much an open book about this stuff with people who are genuinely interested. I’m just tired of wondering who is reading. I’m tired of worrying about offending.

This “incident” was not what spurred this decision – it’s been rolling in my head for several months. I’m not going to say another thing about what happened – it’s not important.

I don’t know. I asked for the prying by starting the blog at all – I’m just not sure where to go from here. And I’m aggravated that the 3 times I’ve sat down and written lately are about this.

What I should be writing about…Depot Lupron, baby showers for infertile girls, more cervical torture (at my request, no less).

~ by Larisa on December 2, 2006.

8 Responses to “clarification”

  1. This is none of my business, but I think you should write whatever the hell you want to write and if people don’t like it, they always have the option to stop reading.

    IMHO and all that.

  2. Those are a lot of things to consider. Only you can tell what you feel comfortable in sharing.

    I don’t want to go password protected, because it means closing up to newcomers.

    About sharing your experience with laminaria, Melissa from Stirrup Queens is always on the lookout for people who want to do a write-up about IF-related procedures. She calls it ‘operation heads-up’.

    You could also add some info to Wikipedia. The article on Laminaria mentions its medicinal use, but the article on Cervical Dilation doesn’t expand on that.

  3. I’m trying to start a “Patients Wiki” at – I’m asking for folks in the communities I am part of (allergy and infertility currently) to contribute information about what the doctor/nurse didn’t tell you. A sort of patient-to-patient place for information. This would be instead of trying to search out.

    I’ve discovered some interesting connections just with thyroid, allergy, and infertility. Did you know that in rats who use corn bedding that their endocrine systems are under great duress? This causes them to have smaller, less healthy litters.

    This isn’t a spam, really, I just really believe in this project and am going to start really working to put it together. I can write about some stuff – but not everything.



  4. Do whatever feels right for you.

  5. look after yourself mrs. hope. If that means writing here, that’s great, screw whoever might get upset by it. If not, then we will bid you a fond farewell and think of you often.

  6. I hadn’t read your blog in a while. I’m actually glad you are writing about your reservations about posting; there are things you said that I hadn’t thought of. Mostly, I just miss you, Mrs. Hope. I’ve never met you in person, but I knew you before you had any clue about the infertility battle ahead of you, and while this has changed you so much, I know you are still you no matter how beat up this whole thing is leaving you. I bet you would give anything not to have to be angry or hurt or grieving or jealous over others’ fertility good news, to be that old Mrs. Hope who could gulp back the hurt faster and come up with a smidge of joy. You know you have the right to these awful feelings that you don’t want, but that doesn’t mean you are glad to have the right to those feelings. By writing about them, you are just helping yourself through another day and anyone who has a problem with that should try to walk a day in your shoes and then have someone tell them to clam up. You said you wished you could get over wanting it so bad, but I think I would not be able to give up the dream, either–I would lose myself in the longing and pray it was temporary. It hurts me that you’ve had to leave your profession for now–you are so smart and good at what you do. I know it’s necessary for the time being, but you really are being a warrior on your journey to do what needs to be done even when it turns your life upside down. It WILL come right side up, and the preIF Mrs. Hope, battleworn but better than ever, will be able to find herself holding the joy of life again. Sorry so long…just wanted you to know I never give up on your happiness returning for good.

  7. I just want to echo the feeling: we’d miss you a lot, but I also understand and it has to be a personal choice about where you feel comfortable.

  8. I just want to echo the feeling: we’d miss you a lot, but I also understand and it has to be a personal choice about where you feel comfortable.

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