That’s what cycling is about for me.

A chance. A possibility.

Yeah, there’s always that long shot that I could get pregnant in an off month. I do ovulate. But that chance is so small.

Cycling opens the door to a huge chance. A huge possibility.

And it creates hope. And hope is this amazing (yet frustrating) emotion. I can soar to new heights on hope alone. On possibility.

I hope that this chance, this possibility, becomes reality.

~ by Larisa on January 24, 2007.

9 Responses to “possibility”

  1. Yes, that’s what it’s about. Just having a chance, increasing your chances. And hoping very hard for your chance to become reality, too.

  2. I totally understand your heartache and anger. I don’t even know where to start but I am
    going to give you my journey of infertility. My husband and I have been together for 20
    years, married for 12. I thought I would never have problems trying to have babies until
    we finally realized hey how come we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Never having used
    protection, we were always careful, but then after getting married we didn’t seem to
    keep track of when we should and shouldn’t. If you know what I mean. Anyway, as I
    was growning up I have always had painful periods. Well never thinking that would
    ever be a problem, I just figured I just had painful periods. Then one day I said I was
    going to research and check things out. It told me the days that I was ovulating and
    which days to have intercourse but still nothing was happening. I was tired of buying so
    many preg. tests. I was embarrassed. Then these painful periods were getting worse so
    I made an appt. with my ob/gyn and had a sonogram. She said you have several cysts on
    your ovaries. She said I am going to give you birth control meds. to see if they will get
    smaller or disappear. She said I know you are trying to get pregnant but we have to
    work on getting rid of these cysts. I tried this treatment and it did not work. She said
    ok now we have to do surgery. I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the cysts then to
    only find out that when she went in she found Stage 4 Endometriosis. After recovery,
    she told me the bad news. Of course as soon as I went home I researched everything to
    do with Endo. and realized why I was in pain for so many years. I went in for a post op
    visit and she said I am sorry but Stage 4 endo. is very serious and it will become a
    miracle for you to conceive a child. I was heartbroken. Immediately, I said I need a
    second opinion. I called my primary doctor and asked for a referral to see a new
    ob/gyn. I went to see him for an initial visit and he was forwarded my surgery results
    and told me the same thing (no kiddos for me). Well I said lets give it a try again and I
    will stay with this doctor and see how it goes. He gave me some tips and we tried, we
    tried and we tried. Nothing has happened and we are getting frustrated. Months pass
    and I am getting angry with the world and everything revolving around it. Including my
    husband. A year had passed and my new doctor wants to give me another sonogram.
    He finds more cysts again. He said lets start off with taking a test to see if your tubes
    are okay. And then we will go on from there. I took a dye test and oh my gosh. Talk
    about painful. It was awful. When my results came back it was found that my tubes
    were so damaged with the endo that the dye was not going all the way through. So that
    means that when the eggs are released, the sperm can not get through the damamged
    tubes. Then he says well lets take some test on to see how much you are ovulating. We
    did that and I wasn’t ovulating normally. I had to get injected with Clomid and still I
    wasn’t at a normal rate. I had to get a high dosage of Clomid and it was still very low.
    Then my husband took a sperm test and to find out that they were very slow and they
    didn’t live very long. So chances are being very slim. News aren’t going so well. So
    now I am on Clomid, he is taking meds for his problem and we try again. Months pass
    and still nothing. Of course while everyone knows what’s going on everyone keeps
    asking, is everything going okay. I love the support but it’s hard to say sorry but we
    haven’t gotten a positive test yet. So now the doctor has given us a date to set with a
    Reproductive Surgeon. We visit with him and he tells me that he does need to go in and
    take those cysts out and reconstruct my female organs. I have surgery again and again
    finding endo real bad. He tells me at the post op visit we are going to take things in
    another direction. He said we can try for in-vitro or we can keep trying the old
    way. He gave me more tips and still nothing. He also gave me an option as to adopt
    and that word was like it went in one ear and out the other. We left that visit and didn’t
    know what to do or say. Everywhere I looked there were babies, pregnant ladies,
    anything and everything would get me depressed. I was angry, frustrated, jealous, sad,
    hurt, embarrassed, and very upset. I could not think, could not go anywhere. I was
    totally mad at the world. And all I kept hearing is When God’s ready he will let it
    happen. I know that’s all people could say because they were trying to be supportive. I
    could not stand to see young girls tagging 3-4 children in the grocery store. More than
    likely they were all from different dads. I could not go to my friends baby showers. I
    could not do anything that had to do with children. I was so hurt and just could not get
    to doing anything. My energy level was so low, I was going through depression real
    bad. We both did not want to talk about ADOPTION. I finally broke the ice and
    brought up the subject about it. My husband said let’s just try in-vitro and I said and
    throw $15,000 in the toilet because it is not a guarantee. He said let’s just try it. I said
    no, I don’t have money like that to throw away. I said what about adoption, he said I
    could not love someone elses child like if it were mine. I said yeah but we could spend
    the same amount and that would be a guarantee. We thought and thought and finally I
    went in to see me ob/gyn. I said I am here because I am tired of being in pain and living
    on Vicodin. I can’t live like this. Please take all of it out and I will just have to live
    with the thought of never having children. He said I can not do that because you are too
    young. I said but I have all these problems and I can not live like this. He said well I
    am going to give you a little bit of time to think this over. I said no, we have thought
    this over and I want a hysterectomy. I went home in tears. I know that I was never
    going to have a child of my own but I know this was what was best for me and for my
    husband. All I could think about was my parents, they would never be grandparents. I
    was more hurting for them. I finally had my surgery January 2001 and now I am so
    happy. After my surgery, I was going through very much depression. It’s not that I had
    the surgery done, it’s that I know that I am not going to have any children of my own.
    One of my husbands’s cousin, talked to me about Adoption and I just listened. She also
    was infertile and had adopted a little girl. She told me her experience with it and I was
    there to support her. I knew that my husband did not want to go that route, and for me I
    really wasn’t sure. She gave me a book to read and we spoke over the phone many
    times, we emailed each other and finally I decided to move on. I was just thinking of
    being alone and just not having a family. I talked to her and she said research it over the
    internet and see what you find. Just look around and see if you find something that
    interests you. So, one day I started surfing the web. I found several agencies. I printed
    the details and sat down with my husband and talked about adoption. He said I told you
    I don’t like that idea. I said just listen. He listened and I got him to agree that we could
    meet with several agencies. The first agency was in San Antonio. We met with them in
    mid-November 2003. Immediately, I fell in love with the staff. I told them that if I
    could have a moment with my husband and we talked for a while and then decided to
    take that step and move on with adopting a child.
    We signed up and proceeded. We
    went back for a group meeting at the end of November 2003 to meet with a couple that
    went through the process and we were excited. Adoption is a lengthy process and very
    expensive. We did a profile of ourselves. The birth mother is to go through the
    profiles and choose which birth parents she wants the child to have and then meet with
    the birth parents and go through the pregnancy with the birth mother. We had several
    home visits from the case worker and I was anxiously waiting to here from the agency
    that we had been picked. Well to make a LONG story SHoRT…….. I get a call on
    January 22, 2004 from my case worker. She said are you sitting down? I said oh my
    gosh we’ve been picked and she said well better than that. You have a baby girl. I said
    huh. She said she is 10 days old and she is waiting (if you accept) for you to pick her
    up. I said what. She said I am going to fax over the medical history of her birth parents
    and her maternal and paternal grandparents and if you accept then she is yours. I could
    not believe it. All along we were suppose to go through this normal process of meeting
    the birth mother, seeing the pregnancy progress, being there at the delivery and taking
    the baby home from the hospital. God is really helping me here. I could not believe
    what was happening. I called everyone and told them the news. I left work to get a few
    things because I was going to be picking up my little girl tomorrow. We can not
    express how much we appreciate everything that this agency has done for us. We are so
    greatful for GOD and for everyones support. All along God knew that a child would be
    a part of our family. We are now the 3 of us. Our daughter just turned 3 last week and
    she is the love of our life. She has made us so happy. She had made everyone so happy.
    What is so amazing is that she looks just like me. Again, God knew. He sent us our
    Angel. I want you to know that I have been in your shoes and I know it’s hard. I was in
    that boat too long to figure, hey it’s not going to happen. I am so happy now with child
    and yes she is “Our Child”. We love her so much. Good Luck and God Bless.

  3. Oh me too!!!! I hope this works really bad for you!

  4. You have a wonderful attitude, that hope and optimism really can help!

    And my hope is that everything works out well for you this cycle


  5. I hope and pray this chance becomes a reality for you.

    Don’t lose hope. When it gets darkest the stars come out.
    — Unknown

  6. praying/wishing/hoping from over here too…

  7. I can totally relate…

    we have severe MF and we have zero chance of pregnancy normally, so I look at even the worst clinic’s success rates as an improvement on zero, and as you say: a possibility, a chance, a hope.

  8. And the good thing is that hope can become reality. I want this to be a post you can look back on and say: “My dreams started to come true HERE.”
    Thinking of you,

  9. I would love for your hope to become reality.

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