greedy

First, I have to say “thank you”. Thank you to all the people holding our hope for us, both in “real” life and in internet life. The support and thoughts have truly been heart-warming and spirit-lifting.

This is the point in the cycle where hope is all powerful. There’s nothing but hope to feel, and nothing concrete that indicates that there is any reason to doubt. There are the weird cramps I’m having and valiantly trying to ignore…

It’s also the part of the cycle where I get greedy. I’ve never been an infertile who fantasized about twins. I knew that there was always a risk, a risk that increased with each step of treatment we took. I looked at it as more of a risk; generally, Mr. Hope agreed.

As cycles failed, I would say I became a little more receptive to the idea. Mr. Hope downright would prefer them. He thinks (silly boy) that if we did have twins, he could veto any future desire of mine to re-enter this treatment world. I’ve told him I can’t promise anything so ethereal a thought. I can’t even really imagine being pregnant, much less wanting or not wanting to try this again.

But then they give me the pictures. And my heart swells. I want them both. I want to drown in happiness, and happiness feels like getting both of those babies. It’s a silly, romantic notion – that those packets of cells are already our children. And that, yes, one would be “good enough”, but I can’t help but want them both. I want to know if they will be boys or girls or freckled or left-handed.

Above all, I want this to work. But, even though I can comprehend the risks, the difficulty of two babies, I want them both.

I already love them. Now I want to hold them. Both.

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~ by Larisa on March 8, 2007.

16 Responses to “greedy”

  1. aww, that post made me tear up.
    we would be thrilled with twins as well….my husband would also rather not re-visit the IF world.
    Come on BFP!

  2. Um, if you can handle all you’ve already been through, I KNOW you could handle twins. I love this Hope Honeymoon you’re having, too–I want it to go on and on and on…those little J and L babies are just too cute already.

  3. I too am tearing up! I’m holding my breath for you, and hoping in a few days I get to breath a sigh of releif when you post your BFP!

  4. I hope for you. I know what you mean about wanting them both. You tie your hope up with so much love and of course you want them both to make it.

    grow little embies grow.

  5. I think the one on the right has your eyes. Good luck!

  6. Of course you aren’t greedy. Why on earth would you give up a potential child after all you’ve been through to get here? You are utterly entitled to both, although of course it would come with additional risks and costs.

    Hoping for you.

  7. Total stranger and IVF veteran in New Braunfels, saying a little prayer for you.
    When I went thru IVF, during the 2 week wait, when I went to bed every night I would lie there and visualize the little embryos digging in, getting comfy, growing cell by cell. I fell asleep that way every night and found it very peaceful.

    I am wishing you peaceful thoughts, and patience, and two (or at the very least, one) sticky little babies.

  8. oh, Mrs. Hope, all my hope and wishes are with you! grow, little ones, you are so wanted already!

  9. Being on single embryo regimen, I was spared such speculations. (To be honest, I’m still not keen on twins.)

    But I can imagine you would feel that way.

  10. I understand.
    Even through my IUI’s I would dream of twins… and we’re just talkin’ follicles here!
    It’s not greedy, it’s just love.
    -D.

  11. Anyone who has gone through ivf can understand your desire for both. You become so invested in those little embryos and you really do love them and all their potential. Good luck.

  12. Still thinking of you. I hope you’re having a peaceful weekend.

  13. Of course you want them both. You aren’t being greedy whatsoever.

    Twins are double the blessing and double the joy. It’s fun being in a family with twins. I hope it’s an experience you’ll have.

    xoxo

  14. Of course you want them both. You aren’t being greedy whatsoever.

    Twins are double the blessing and double the joy. It’s fun being in a family with twins. I hope it’s an experience you’ll have.

    xoxo

  15. You deserve them both. I hope this is IT!

  16. Mrs. Hope-We have not started our cycle yet but I KNOW that I will also “fall in love” with our embryos..it is something I have thought about repeatedly as we get closer to stims. Sending good wishes that both embies dig right in and make themselves at home.

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