an all too familiar sight

White. White. White. That’s the color where the second line is supposed to be. Didn’t everyone, EVERYONE get the memo that this cycle was supposed to work?

I thought in the pit of my soul it would work this time.

I’m 9dp3dt. Fuck off if you feel like telling me it’s too early or there’s still a chance. The only chance is that it’s 1) negative or 2) a really low beta on Friday – and I’d rather not go down that path again.

What does this mean for us? I’ve worked my ass off for those 2 remaining insurance-covered IVF attempts, so we’ll do those. Will they work? No clue. But I have to try – I have to try as many times as we can manage. Or I’ll always wonder.

In the back of my head – Mr. Hope isn’t there yet – is a gestational carrier attempt with any frozens we accumulate over two more fresh cycles. I just can’t fathom that not one of the embryos we’ve transferred over the past year hasn’t been chromosomally normal.

Mr. Hope’s question…why aren’t ANY of them implanting? I say because my cervix and/or uterus SUCK(s). He says – what if it’s something else? What else?

Our ideas – maybe go back to the less invasive cervical dilatation with the rods at retrieval. At least I had a miscarriage/ectopic then. Something implanted somewhere.

My idea – FIX my fucking cervix. PERMANENTLY. Bore a hole through the miserable body part. And then, if this ever works, do a cerclage if they are worried about incompetent cervix. I can’t even think that far ahead if I can’t GET pregnant. Neither Mr. Hope nor my doctor will be a fan of that plan.

I can’t even imagine what my doctor will say about this one. And I’m done with second and third opinions at this point. They haven’t offered anything that’s either viable or has worked. And I’m simply too, too, too tired.

I never, never, never, never thought this would be my life.

Be warned: if you choose to comment and it smells remotely of assvice, I’ll probably delete it.

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~ by Larisa on March 14, 2007.

34 Responses to “an all too familiar sight”

  1. Ah crap. This just plain sucks. I’m so sorry sweetie. I’m sending you hugs…I know that isn’t good enough and doesn’t help…but it’s all I can do.

  2. I’m tired too, and I haven’t even had a taste of your experiences. It hurts to think of how it might feel for you. I wish there were something I could do, something I could say, but there is nothing.
    I’m only sorry and sad and angry and wondering what the hell could be the point of your grief. You have had enough for all of us.
    I will send you my hope for answers, and solace, however thin. And I will still hold yours for the long haul.

  3. No assvice just a big SORRY coming your way. Wish it wasnt so hard for you.

    Artblog

  4. No assvice just a big SORRY coming your way. Wish it wasnt so hard for you.

    Artblog

  5. Shit Larissa, I am sorry. I really wish this had been a different post.

    I am thinking of you and hoping somewhere, somehow you find answers.

  6. Why?? Why couldn’t they implant??! Why can’t anyone figure that out for you? I’d be mad, too! They say there are hills and valleys in life. I think life owes you one monstrous mountain of a hill, right about *now*. Praying for answers, not giving up on your family *ever*, and sending you lots and lots of hugs today.

  7. Damn.

    That’s all I’ve got. Anger and hurt for all you’ve gone through and suffered.

    We hold your hope for you, still, for as long as you need it.

  8. I’m sorry. I wish you could figure out what’s wrong too. I’m so sorry you have to keep going through it.

  9. All I can say is HUGS….you know how I feel about it.

  10. Ditto to Lindsey’s comment. I wonder what the point to the grief is. Damn.

  11. I am so sorry, Mrs. Hope. So, so sorry.

  12. As a fellow infertile, I sure can identify with your statement, “I never, never, never, never thought this would be my life.”

    Ain’t that the truth. I’m sorry you are dealing with all this crap. It is so NOT FAIR that perfectly good people should have to work so hard at having a baby, while the other 99% of the world’s population seems to get knocked up by accident. It just sucks ass.

    I guess the one thing you really do have going for you is insurance. It would suck even more if you had to drop $15,000 for the privilege of another negative beta.

    I would corner my doc and demand every test known to man. Aren’t there tests that can determine if your uterus/lining/whatever is awry? Finding out that kind of thing would make the decision about a gestational surrogate so much easier.

    Anyway, I wish you peace.

  13. It’s unbelievably hard to make a decision when you don’t know what factors should be an input into that decision. I would argue it’s impossible to make a sensible decision when you are in the depths of grief. This sucks, big time, and you need to be angry and upset and sad for a while. I don’t know what the answer is, it might be any of these (although I’m hoping that the idea of boring a hole through your cervix is not serious?), but I’d hazard that now is not the right time to decide. To think through, to ponder, to make potential plans, yes, but decisions, not so much.

  14. It’s unbelievably hard to make a decision when you don’t know what factors should be an input into that decision. I would argue it’s impossible to make a sensible decision when you are in the depths of grief. This sucks, big time, and you need to be angry and upset and sad for a while. I don’t know what the answer is, it might be any of these (although I’m hoping that the idea of boring a hole through your cervix is not serious?), but I’d hazard that now is not the right time to decide. To think through, to ponder, to make potential plans, yes, but decisions, not so much.

  15. Sucks!!! I dont have any more words to describe it.

  16. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Suck, sucky, sucky.

  17. I don’t THINK this assvice, but– you will be the judge. Have you ever had PGD done on the embryos? Because if you did, that would answer one question. If they are normal and STILL not implanting, that would support your gestational carrier idea.

    So sorry you are going through this. It is incredibly exhausting and so NOT what we had in mind for our lives. I hope you get some answers soon.

  18. White is the color of mourning.
    I’m so sorry this is where you find yourself, again.

  19. You are strong and resilient. I am sorry that there is a storm right now, but wishing you calm within it.

  20. No assvice here, just thinking of you.

  21. I’m so sorry.

  22. Fuck. I am sorry.

  23. UGHUGHUGHUGHUGH that is what I am hearing in my head for you. UGH! It just has to work! I am tired of things not working out for those who deserve it the most. UGHUGHUGHUGH!!!

    HUGS!

  24. no advice no stupid words that do nothing to take away the pain…just {{{{HUGS}}}}

  25. no advice no stupid words that do nothing to take away the pain…just {{{{HUGS}}}}

  26. I’m sorry. This sucks/bites/is really not what any of us want.

    You’re in my thoughts.

  27. I’m so, so sorry, Mrs. Hope. I hate so much that you’re having to go through this. You’re in my thoughts.

  28. It’s so damned unfair.
    I’m very sorry, Mrs. Hope. This sucks.
    -D.

  29. That just sucks, I’m so upset with the news. I know how much it hurts. I’m so sorry.

  30. I’m sorry Larissa {{HUGS}}

  31. I know this is assvice, but my HPT was negative the night before my beta…and the beta was positive. Its not over till its over…

  32. I’m so sorry.

  33. Sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

  34. Damn, I’m sorry Mrs. Hope. So damn sorry.

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