so I write

I don’t even know what to type. There is so much to say and so little to say simultaneously.

I believed. I believed. I dared to hope. I hoped so much. I HOPED. I held my own hope. And I didn’t just hope, I had faith. My hope, my faith, my belief all feel extinguished.

I feel shattered. I physically ache. It feels as though my heart should stop. My soul feels empty. My stomach is lurching. And the tears just keep falling.

And there is nothing to say. Nothing can fix it. And no one can tell me why it didn’t work. No one can know what happened to those embryos once they left the lab and entered my uterus.

And there is no good reason. No just desserts.

And the hardest part might be that no one can tell me if we will ever find our happy ending.

So I do the only thing I know how to do. I attempt, however miserably, to logic my way to the next step.

I seem to be unable to explain to anyone why I’m not ok with the laminaria. Yes, it creates an easy transfer. But the havoc it wreaks on my uterus and cervix are unexplainable unless you are in this body of mine. I can only believe that somehow I will find the words that adequately explain my feelings by the time we reach our follow-up appointment.

I understand that the cervix may not be the issue. But if there exists a way to get that easy transfer WITHOUT torturing my cervix during (not ruling out torture prior to the cycle) the cycle, why wouldn’t we pursue it to once and for all rule out the cervix as a factor?

The reason I ask that you not offer advice is that I know. If you think of it, I assure you I already know about it. I’ve probably read 4 journal articles about it. And I’ve probably talked to my doctor about it. And I’ll probably talk to him about it again.

In addition to all of this, why is it that the hospital facility has not once, not once been able to charge me the correct amount of money? And it’s literally like speaking to the dumbest people on earth when I call. They can’t understand how, when they bill me one amount that includes the charges for retrieval and transfer, that they cannot charge me a second time for an identical amount just because retrieval and transfer occur on different days.

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~ by Larisa on March 16, 2007.

3 Responses to “so I write”

  1. I can only sit here and nod. This is shattering. There is no easy fix. And the uncertainty …

    I don’t know how the laminaria procedure feels, but from your descriptions I gather it is painful and highly unpleasant.
    And if it hasn’t helped so far, it’s only natural you would look into alternatives.

  2. You’re on my mind constantly. I wish I had comfort to offer.

    with love, Teresa.

  3. Thinking of you with LOTS and LOTS of {{{HUGS}}}

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