one foot in front of the other

So my IVF nurse actually called me this morning with my plan. She said she’d call today, but in fertility clinic land, that usually means later than promised. And my doctor had actually already signed off on the plan.

So that means I know when my pre-Lupron sono will be. And I know when stims should start. Which means I know roughly when retrieval and transfer will be.

Thalia asked about general anesthesia during transfer – we did discuss it at our sit-down appointment, but didn’t make any decisions about it. I already had plans to bring it up again. If it will help – or if my anxiety could somehow have a negative effect on the transfer, then I’m all for it.

I’m glad to have a plan. But certainly not excited. Having a plan no longer holds the promise it once did. It’s just a plan. A plan that’s similar to all the other plans I’ve had. And all the other plans haven’t worked. I’m not giving up, people. And I’m as positive as I can be – which is neutral. And guess what? I’m ok with neutral.

I want this to work. I could type that sentence 100 times, 1000, times, 10,000 times – and it would never be enough to convey how much I want this to work.

I take it back. I *need* this to work. I need this universe to return some hope to me. And I could type it 1,000,000 times and it wouldn’t adequately describe to you how much I need and want this. I don’t know if I can find the words that could.

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~ by Larisa on March 27, 2007.

9 Responses to “one foot in front of the other”

  1. Neutral is perfect. Neutral makes sense. It doesn’t diminish how much you want it. I really hope it works for you too. And by the way I LOVED my anesthesia. It was the best part by far. I would take some more if I could get it.

  2. As you know, I had all but my first ET done under anesthesia. For us wonky cervix gals it can’t hurt but could help. I want this next cycle to work for you, too. So very much.

  3. Neutral sounds just right. And so does general anesthesia. It can’t hurt and sure you being more physically comfortable can’t hurt either.

    Good luck

  4. I agree, if neutral is where you are, then that’s fine. It’s a lot better than spiralling depression.

    Hang in there.

  5. Neutral is excellent, it’s a whole lot better than utter despair.

  6. Infertility is by far the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. So I know how you feel when you say you NEED this to work. I was so angry and depressed during treatment. I think neutral is a much better place to be.

    It’s good that you have a plan, and good that your doc is confident. I’m all for anesthesia, too, for what that’s worth.

  7. Hallelujah for neutral.

  8. There is nothing wrong with neutral. It’s not a negative. Keep making decisions that you are comfortable with. Hoping good things for this cycle.

  9. From neutral, the most logical thing to do is to shift into ‘drive’. Hoping that this plan is your much needed and wanted ‘drive’ to get you to the finish line.

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