fear

I lied. Well, not really. I was at neutral. I even had a few moments of optimism.

But for some reason, in this moment, I’m scared. I’m scared that this, this 4th fresh cycle, this 5th transfer, will again fail. That my heart will again take a beating. That it doesn’t matter how much I want it. It doesn’t matter how much I need it.

Wanting and needing don’t make it so. And there are others that need this, too.

I don’t know how to believe it will work. To even believe it can work. I don’t know how to slow my pounding heart.

Somehow, I keep doing this. Yet I don’t really know how. Each time I do, I think I can’t do anymore. But then I do. I’m still well over a week from beginning again. I could stop it. But where would that get me?

About a week ago, I was in the middle of a crying spell. And I asked Mr. Hope, “What have I done? What have I done to deserve this? Who thought I was strong enough to handle this?”

Logically, I know there is no deserving. But that’s how I feel. And really, I’m not strong enough for this. Not anymore. I know myself well enough to know that somehow I will find a way to believe it can work. I have in every other cycle. In fact, I’m sure I might even believe it will work.

But I’m scared. Really, really scared.

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~ by Larisa on March 28, 2007.

11 Responses to “fear”

  1. And you have every right to be scared and you know what I think for every extra cycle we have to do the scarier we become. Its that thought of it never working. I will be going through my 9th transfer and I am crapping myself that its almost over.
    Lots of hugs and I hope this is it.

  2. your fears just mean that infertility hasn’t made you totally sadistic or completely numb yet. it’s a good thing, horrible as they are to face. you are so brave and so strong, you know that by what you have already been through. i find it liberating to tell myself it doesn’t matter whether i believe it will work or not, it will either work or it will not, and i have very little control over it. best wishes to you, i hope this one is it.

  3. Scared is normal. You have been through so much. And although all infertility is hard, yours have been particular hard because of the cervix. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, somedays that is all you can expect of yourself.

  4. HUGS! I totally know what scared means too. I hate that we all have to be scared.

  5. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but it’s totally normal to be scared. You have been to hell and back, had your heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly. Anyone would be scared of the possibility that could happen again.

    When I was the depths of my IF depression, I also asked repeatedly, “what did I do to deserve this?” I cried a lot. I have never been religious, and I began to wonder if God was punishing me for that, or for some other unknown transgression. It’s hard, really hard, and no one understands how hard it is unless they have been there.

    I wish there were easy answers. All I can say is you have to keep trying, no matter how discouraged you get. You are so much stronger than you even realize. I just wish it were easier for you.

  6. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but it’s totally normal to be scared. You have been to hell and back, had your heart ripped out and stomped on repeatedly. Anyone would be scared of the possibility that could happen again.

    When I was the depths of my IF depression, I also asked repeatedly, “what did I do to deserve this?” I cried a lot. I have never been religious, and I began to wonder if God was punishing me for that, or for some other unknown transgression. It’s hard, really hard, and no one understands how hard it is unless they have been there.

    I wish there were easy answers. All I can say is you have to keep trying, no matter how discouraged you get. You are so much stronger than you even realize. I just wish it were easier for you.

  7. I wish I knew what to say to you to make you feel better. I know exactly how you feel and I have asked those same questions as well? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? I truly wish I had the answers for all of us. I’m always scared before each IVF as well. I ask myself a million times what if it doesn’t work? Why is this time going to be different? But going through it means you have hope and courage and that’s what is helping you move forward. I hope that this one finds you success. Big hugs to you!!

  8. I’ve asked that ‘deserve’ question over and over again. There just isn’t any answer, I wish there were in a way, it would make the whole thing easier.

    Hang in there. It’s just about putting one foot in front of the other.

  9. Fear, uncertainty and doubt, that’s what cycles are made of.
    Some hope makes it more bearable, but doesn’t take those feelings away.

  10. You have fear, but you have recognized and acknowledged it. You are facing it. You know that when the time comes, like always, your spirit finds a way to neutralize it enough to let hope lead for a while. This is all you can ask of yourself. This is healthy. I have fear, too. All I can do is keep an open door so that even if fear does decide to come in (like right now), there is always a place for it to exit as well.

  11. Every cycle is worse and worse until finally treatment is finished. Eventually you will beat this thing… it’s a matter of finding the strength to go on.

    I feel confident that if I kept trying and kept trying eventually I would have a baby — but I don’t have that courage or the money. You have the courage and the insurance… and even on vulnerable days we’re still here holding your hope.

    You aren’t ready to give up. You’ve said so in so very many ways. Hang in there.

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