my name is Mrs. Hope, and…

…I am an addict.

I’m addicted to IVF. There’s no other explanation. I’m happier, calmer, more hopeful than I’ve been in the 4 weeks or so since the last cycle officially failed.

More specifically, I’m addicted to the down-regulation and the stimulation parts of an IVF cycle.

I love the chance. I love the hope. I love the sense of control. I love organizing the needles, the drugs, the alcohol swabs, and the sharps containers. I can time each dose of medication exactly. I can measure each dose precisely. I can do everything right.

There’s so much possibility. I can close my eyes and almost imagine our happy ending.

It’s just like gambling or playing the lottery, if you think about it. The stakes are high, there’s lots of money involved, and the high if you succeed is heart-filling.

I don’t know if I’ll ever want to give up. I don’t know how to give up. I’m addicted to the chance of being pregnant, of giving birth, and of being a mother.

My name is Mrs. Hope, and I’m an IVF addict.

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~ by Larisa on April 10, 2007.

19 Responses to “my name is Mrs. Hope, and…”

  1. I had never thought of it this way but it is so true. It was so much easier to cope with the harsh reality of infertility when you were doing something about it and could dream that there would be a happy ending. It really is so much like gambling or playing the lottery!

  2. I don’t see it as an addiction, but just that it feels so much better to DO SOMETHING rather than to be waiting aroudn for someone to agree you can DO SOMETHING again.

    Glad it’s making you feel a bit better, let’s hope that feeling gets to continue!

  3. I’m with Thalia, I wouldn’t class it as an addiction (though it’s a pretty good analogy!) The sense of control that comes with DOING something is the part that I remember finding comfort in. I feel a similar thing with the homestudy. Right now I am busy doing something. Soon I will just be waiting again. It’s all the waiting that follows that makes any of these routes so damn hard!

    Good Luck to you!

  4. you’re so right. the supression and stim parts are the best because we get to be in control. we get to know we’re doing all the things we’re suppossed to do. we have all sorts of potions and powders and mixing to preoccupy our ttc thoughts, instead of all the OTHER stuff that gets pushed away for a while. and once we get the hang of it, it becomes such a nice little comfort zone. other people may get pregnant at the bat of an eyelash, but i KNOW how to give myself an injection. we become good at infertility.

    good luck this cycle. i hope it’s the last bit you need.

  5. Welcome Mrs. Hope!
    You are not alone.

    Now to figure out what the twelve steps are…

  6. You are so right in your analogy. That hopeful “high” whilst you’re cycling when you feel it might all be ok is a almost addictive.

    Having just finished my second unsuccessful IVF/ICSI i’m now in the horrible low that hits you at the other end. The only thing that’s going to fix this low is to get back on with another cycle. It’s all about trying to get back control.

    Good luck.

  7. I’m glad you don’t know how to quit. I hope you never have to figure out how.

    New leaf. New pair of glasses. New vial of meds. New pen. (Almost) new strategy.

    Sounds to me like you have a shiny new lease on this damned IF thing. I think you should only give 30 days tops for eviction notice.

    Luck and hopes and wishes of all kinds.

  8. You’re keeping good company hon.

  9. Your addiction is not one you should get help for, until you’re good and ready!

    The beginning of every cycle brings a halo of hope. How can it not? It’s a fresh start, a new possibility. It’s all about potentiality.

  10. I totally understand. The hope for the big payoff feeds us. Great post.

  11. Lol – too funny!

  12. Very well said! I am right there with you. It is so nice at the start of the cycle to be able to “control” what you are doing. There is so little in this whole process that is out of our control it is a good feeling to have something to hold on to. Best of luck with this cycle!

  13. You are a very entertaining writer. On that thought, I am going to be very miffed if this book doesn’t end how I want it to end. Why can’t we write the ending we want and just be done with it?!

    On that note, I’m riding along with you on the hope train. The Little Uterus that Could.

  14. That big jack pot is right around the corner. It has to be…
    🙂
    -D.

  15. Great post – good luck!!

  16. Too funny! You are not alone Mrs. Hope. I worry that I may be suffering from the same thing… There is something about that possible happily ever after that I can’t seem to shake, even though the chances are so low. I wish you all the best with your cycle.

  17. Mrs. Hope… I could have written this post myself. I wonder how much of my sadness right now is related to the fact that we’re waiting to cycle????

    I think that Thalia hit it right on the head… DOING SOMETHING is much better than the waiting.

    Well, at least from where I sit now, anyway.

  18. It’s easy to become an IVF addict, only because it feels so good to be doing something, anything, toward eventually achieving your goal. Glad that you are cycling again, and you’ll be in my thoughts.

  19. Hi Mrs. Hope, If only I know I will have another chance for IVF, then maybe I will not be pressured now with my first. You are right, every chance we get is good, it gives us hope which allows us to keep on going on. I wish you lots of luck with your next steps.

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