Someone told me about a dream she had about me recently. She couldn’t remember the details, but she remembered that she thought I was “finally so very happy, so very filled to the top.”

We’ve been messing around with our photos lately because we got a new computer and needed to transfer all of them. In that process, we ended up looking at lots of them. Some are from before my brother’s death, most are after.

I’m not truly happy in any of those taken after October of 2003. I don’t think you would know. I smile for the camera. There are some where the grief is on the surface – like at Christmas that year. My whole family looks worn.

Then there are the others where I remember the picture being taken. And I remember thinking – I am sad, but will it show in the photo? Can I cover this grief up? Do those who know me best see it?

That grief has faded. It’s still there, but time and life have allowed it to heal. I’ll always miss him. It’s strange – I’ll never forget what he looked like, what he sounded like, what he smelled like. What I wonder about is what would he be now?

The grief that grips me now, that doesn’t let my happiness fill is infertility.

And I have a good life. And so much to be thankful for and happy about. I have a beautiful house, a loving husband and family, 3 goofy pets, and the means (through lots of hard work) to do IVF. I’m looking for jobs and have the luxury of not being so pressured that I have to take one I won’t like.

I’m ok. I’m not full to the top. I thought I was good at hiding it most of the time. Apparently not so much. I wonder about the pictures taken now…can you see that pieces are missing?

I wish I could take control of all of it and be happy to the top of my soul without a pregnancy, a birth, a baby.

But I don’t know how right now. There’s still too much of a chance this could work, so I can’t give up yet.

So I hope her dream means what I want it to mean.

I hope my belly will fill, and with it, my heart and soul can finally overflow.

My heart goes out to the families and friends of those in Virginia.

~ by Larisa on April 17, 2007.

9 Responses to “happiness”

  1. This post made me cry deep tears. I’m not sure why it touched me so. Maybe because you have been through so very much. Maybe because I have been emotional since yesterday’s trajedy.

    Mrs. Hope I want for your soul to overfill with happiness so very much. I hope her dream comes true.

  2. Your muse is certainly with you lately, and not only is the writing lush but prolific. Lovely, lovely post yet again.

    May all our dreams come true. I can’t bear to look at certain photos, and for a few months I didn’t allow photos to be taken of me. Time heals in such a strange and constant way.

    Two alums from my school died in that VT tragedy. I never knew them as they graduated a few years ago. Thanks for the condolences. The staff is distraught over the wasted lives.

  3. How often have I wished the all-overshadowing desire to get pregnant and have a child would go away, so I could focus on all the good things in my life.

  4. What a lovely post. I so hope that you experinence that sort of happiness very soon.

  5. You deserve loads of happiness…thank you for this beautiful post. Thinking of you…

  6. You write so beautifully. This post delivered tears of agreement.

    Like you, I do hope that dream was actually a premonition. I can imagine you filled to the top. I don’t just hope it, I anticipate it. I hope this very cycle your cup will begin to fill. You have poured so much out for others. The refill has got to be circling back around.

  7. Beautiful post…

    I too hope you are filled to the top soon.

  8. You deserve nothing but happiness, and I do truly believe you will get that some day very soon…

  9. Dont we all feel that once in our life some pieces are missing yet we do not want the world to know. Its like a whole episode needs to be rehashed again to make it more appealing and acceptable yet we cant. Your post is a powerful message not just to the infertile ones like us but to everyone who have suffered some form of losses in their life. I pray that we all gets full to the top that its easy to impart our surplus and make it enough for others to be filled to the top as well.
    You are a kind soul and blessings will always be given to people like you.
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts

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