Today, I feel…

Lost.

I feel detached from this cycle. I want it to work. I need it to work. I’m very thankful I didn’t have to wait a long time to cycle again.

But I feel like I’m going through the motions. It feels surreal – like I’m watching someone else do the injections. Watching someone else schedule the appointments.

I’m calm and anxious all wrapped into one. I feel more alone in this cycle (maybe because I’ve abandoned myself?) than I’ve felt in a long time. It feels like so many have moved on – here and in real life. It’s not that people aren’t supportive – they are – but the reality of this situation is that I’m in what feels like an ever dwindling number of women who began this process when I did.

It doesn’t help that I feel lost in life as well. I’m interviewing for jobs – but everything feels on hold. I don’t dislike my career, but I’ve never defined myself by it, either. I don’t hold it dear to my heart. It was always a means for me – an occupation I could enjoy. And then when I had children I would do it part time maybe. It would be a job to pay for things like ballet lessons and soccer uniforms and college funds.

But now I feel obligated to work at it. I feel obligated to fill my life with things that are essentially empty. Because maybe if it’s full of things that don’t matter, the absent thing that does matter won’t take up such a large portion. Maybe I can fill that hole with “busy-ness”.

I know the truth is that I can’t. I think of changing careers. But that feels on hold, too.

All because of infertility. I’m unsettled. I never know what is around the corner. Success (oh please?!)? More failure (please, please no)?

I’m a planner. And I feel like I can’t plan dinner next week, much less my career, my life, my aspirations. And again, all of that feels so empty.

Please let my heart fill. Please, somehow, let this work. I ask this of the world, of whomever is listening. I beg, I plead, I pray, I wish. Let me find my way, let me be whole.

Let this be the way.

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~ by Larisa on April 19, 2007.

15 Responses to “Today, I feel…”

  1. Oh I hope it is for you. Someone deserves something good for a change. HUgS!

  2. Oh, honey – how I know that feeling. It just feels so empty.

    *hug*

    Much love and hugs to you. Fingers crossed tightly that you be full soon.

  3. I am often at a loss as to how to comment on your blog, because your words are so real to me and are, as in this instance, the same exact thoughts and feelings I’ve had during my long infertility journey. I was so lost in emptiness for such a long time. Try to always remember the good things in your life, even if they don’t always feel good enough. There are many.

    There is no subsitute for your heart’s deepest desire. It is resoundingly unfair that you are having to go through so much to achieve what comes to so many others so easily. But you WILL achieve it. You WILL. Hopefully this cycle. But if not, one day, you WILL.

  4. I understand completely b/c I am in the same “on hold” situation and cannot seem to shake it. Thanks for your post – my thoughts exactly!

  5. Oh my goodness I feel like I could have written this post Mrs. Hope. I feel left behind and more detatched from this cycle than any other cycle. I have little hope, and I am having a hard time even caring. Please know that you are in my thoughts. Sending you a hug.

  6. I hope there is a clear way forward for you. It’s so tough being lost.

  7. “I feel like I need to fill my life with empty things.” The sad thing is, there are lots of women out there who have no desire to allow their existing children to be a part of their fulfillment. What a beautiful, motherly desire you have. That desire is something about you that is beautiful, even though you probably would wish it away in exchange for an ease in the grief some days.

    Your post is just so vivid to me. It makes me want to give you something.

    I would like to think that my faith could be the meaningful thing in my life without children. But, like so many righteous women in the Bible did, I *would* long for a child, I would want more. So, I don’t see grief and questions over the trials of infertility as being a reflection of a weak faith. The Bible shows God eventually being compassionate on these women, but we are not told why women like Hannah and Sarah and Rachel had to wait to begin with. Still, no one told them to go absorb themselves in careers or cats or fame or hobbies. It was okay for them to keep hoping to be moms someday.

    I have hope for you. I’m also waiting for the answers for you to, the When and the How and maybe even a Why. Hopefully followed by lots of genuine Mrs. Hope smiles.

  8. I’m sorry you feel so lost. I wish you didn’t, but I’m hopeful that the light at the end of this tunnel will peek through so very soon. Please, please, please.

    I can’t say I know how you feel, I certainly don’t, but I can empathize as well as relate to so much of what you expressed about your job. And now, even though I am filling to the top, I remember what I contemplated when everything looked so frighteningly bleak and realize that I cannot just keep on the exact same path. Maybe infertility was the only thing that could have opened my eyes to that. Maybe that dark path I was so recently walking was the only way I could find the light, my only insight into a truer, more beautiful calling.

  9. Oh, do I recognize those feelings.
    Don’t worry, you don’t have to feel confident in order for it to work. You only have to do it. Hang in there.

  10. Let this be the way. I hope so much for you that this be the way.

  11. Let this be the way. I hope so much for you that this be the way.

  12. I find great strength from you guys who have been through the process a few times. Your determination is amazing. Don’t give up hope. Sending hugs.

  13. I hope this cycle is the one that allows you to move on…it’s so hard to focus on anything else when starting your family is what’s most important.

    Everything else just pales in comparison.

    I wish you all the best.

  14. I’m so sorry you are feeling so down.
    I’m hoping this is the cycle for you. The cycle that makes all your dream come true and gives you that fulfillment you so long for.
    Sending hugs

  15. sorry you are feeling so lost. i hope this cycle is the one that helps you find your way. hang in there. if you find you can’t bring yourself to be hopeful, know that we are all hopeful for you…

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