the truth

I’ve been tagged for a few different things. I haven’t really thought about them – this may be my version of the “I am…” meme.

I am grateful. Grateful that today, today, today I am pregnant. I really wasn’t sure this could even happen.

I am trying to enjoy the moments that I can. I’ve caught myself glancing at other womens’ bellies wondering if I will soon be there.

I am still spotting. It’s lighter, yes. But I don’t like it one bit.

I am scared. I am scared to believe this could be true. I’m scared that my heart will shatter if the next ultrasound, or the ultrasound after that show the worst news.

I am starting a new job on Monday. It’s a speech pathology job. A “real” job, if you will.

I am angry. I am angry that after all we have been through we still don’t get an “easy” start. I would have been worried no matter how beautifully the hCG rose, no matter if there wasn’t spotting. But this, quite frankly, has been a different kind of torture. The kind of torture that I balance being grateful for and being very resentful of. I feel guilty for feeling angry. Shouldn’t it be enough that I am pregnant?

I am tired. And my boobs hurt. Both of which I am very, very, very glad about. I’ll take any symptom that comes my way. I actually had to buy new bras. They’re huge for me – 32C – I’m very small.

I am in love with this little being. I want to meet him or her so much. Please, oh please.

~ by Larisa on May 31, 2007.

7 Responses to “the truth”

  1. Yes. Please, oh please.


  2. Keep growing big and strong little baby!!!!

  3. “Shouldn’t it be enough that I am pregnant?” I call this infertility survivor’s guilt, and I had it too. After it’s so hard to get PG, you feel ungrateful for complaining about anything. It doesn’t stop once your child is born; you will feel guilty for being annoyed when he/she keeps you up all night at age 2.

    Finally getting there after so much hardship really can be hard to believe, embrace and accept. I think it’s normal to have these fears, at least until you get past the first trimester, and then you will finally start to believe that everything will be OK.

  4. I recognize many of these points.
    I’m still looking at other PG women with a sense of wonder, jealousy and anger.

    Good luck with the new job!

  5. Oh boy do I know exactly how you’re feeling right now. I’m so nervous for you, but so hopeful.
    This just has to be it.

  6. I get it. So very much. I hate that you’re spotting, and I know how empty it feels when other people tell you that spotting during a pregnancy isn’t cause for alarm.

    Every week feels so long. I wish we could sleep through to week 20 or so…


  7. Good luck with the new job and the doctor’s appt tomorrow! I will be hoping for good results for you.

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