the edge

So now we hold our breath until the next appointment. This is supposed to be such a happy time, but it’s so fraught with anxiety. My heartrate, Mr. Hope’s heartrate were both elevated as we waited for the doctor to enter the room.

The baby is still there, it had grown 5 days in 6 days. It measured 6 weeks 6 days; I’m 7 weeks 2 days. The heartbeat was clearly discernible this time, but the first thing my doctor said was, “Still looks a little small.” The gestational sac is small, the baby itself is small. The heart rate was 121 – which barely meets the minimum for this stage.

That’s the thing. Everything is just on the edge of ok. And the edge is sort of ok. But it’s not jumping up and down ok. My doctor said he’s still a little worried. Not a lot. But a little. Which means I’m horribly worried.

I’m just simply scared. I’m hopeful, terrified, thrilled, and quaking in my boots all at once. It feels as though none of this will ever come to us easily. And don’t I deserve a big helping of easy peasy pie?

So we wait 9 or 10 more days for the next appointment. Excruciating.

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~ by Larisa on June 5, 2007.

29 Responses to “the edge”

  1. Oh-the thrills of waiting. I can’t wait for your next scan either. I am sorry everything is on the edge and barely meeting the minimum. I hope the next scan is much more comforting. Cold drink on the beach under a palm comforting.AMY

  2. You deserve more than a *piece* of the easy peasy pie, you deserve the whole damn thing!

    I’m sorry that the appointment didn’t bring you any kind of peace or the ability to relax, I completely understand and it sucks. So, again, I’ll be wildly optimistic and giddy happy for you until the next scan!

  3. **Hugs**

  4. **Hugs**

  5. I am so sorry that you didn’t have a clear answer.

    HUGS!

  6. Mrs. Hope, I read often but have only posted one other time…I feel compelled to post again to try to offer you some reassurance. We share the same doc and I had a similar experience. I’m currently 17 weeks and when I went in for my 7 week scan, the baby was measuring 6w5d with a heartrate of 120. I was concerned that the baby was measuring small but he reassured me that at this stage, that is okay. I went back a week later and the baby was still a day behind but the heartrate had increased. I went in for the 12 week scan/nuchal translucency and the baby was measuring 2 days behind. The tests came back completely normal, though. Judging by my growing girth, the baby is growing, just maybe not at the rate my due date would suggest. I know this journey has not been easy for you, but please know you have lots of supporters holding your hope. Erin

  7. Will think of you each of those days…just hold on tight.

  8. **prayers and crossed fingers**

  9. Oh dear GOD. I am going to be on edge for 9 or 10 days too.
    You don’t deserve this. Why cant us infertiles, after being tortured with all that is IF, just have easy pregnancies with normal betas and normal ultrasounds? This isnt fair…I hope you make it the next 10 days without going insane.

  10. OK, universe, am I going to have to come down there and kick some ass? Give Mrs. Hope a break already, please. She has been through enough. It is time to cut her some slack, universe. Enough already.

    I wish so much this could be easier for you, Mrs. Hope. I hope that one day very soon you will wake up to a day with no fears, just another normal day in a joyful, normal pregnancy.

  11. omg, the waiting is horrible and cruel. you and Baby are in my thoughts and prayers always…

  12. Still holding hope for you and the little one. I am hoping the most that things will move into ‘normal’ mode and that you will get the opportunity to enjoy this pregnancy to its fullest extent.

  13. Still holding hope for you and the little one. I am hoping the most that things will move into ‘normal’ mode and that you will get the opportunity to enjoy this pregnancy to its fullest extent.

  14. The baby is growing, and that is so wonderful. Keep growing baby, just keep growing!!

  15. Oh honey, tell them you’re cramping and you’ve had a change in discharge or something, and they HAVE to do a u/s. If your heart is as black as mine you would even mention some pink-tinged something or other…yeeeah. I did that with my second; I bled for three weeks and they weren’t concerned but I was. This almost sounds like a maybe, which is my least favorite answer, I think.

  16. Oh Mrs. Hope, i can just imagine the anxiety!

    I’m praying everything goes well at the next scan!

    HUGS

  17. Hang in there. I can only imagine how hard all of this is but hopefully he is just a late bloomer. I am so hopeful for you.

  18. I’m sorry this part isn’t easy for you either.
    I’m sending the baby some Miracle Grow wishes as I type and that you’ll have a big, big belly in no time!
    Thinking of you lots!

  19. This is just terribly unfair, I am so so sorry that you have to experience what should be joyous with fear and anxiety.

    I’m thinking of you and hoping everything goes perfectly from here out.

  20. ((HUGS)) hun….I am sorry. I wish it could be easy sometimes. I really hope next week brings you some comfort. Sorry I didn’t check in yesterday….I thought you appt was today. Bad me!!!

  21. Dammit, why can’t ANYTHING be easy for you? You really deserve it.

    Hugs hon. I’ve got everything crossed for you.

  22. *hugs* The things other posters have said are somewhat reassuring. I’d like to think that your little one got off to a rough start and will get the hang of things if given another week or two. Easy pie by the 4th of July, please!! Prayers continue as always.

  23. Thank you for the update – I’ve been thinking a lot about you and your little one.

    I suspect this might be the longest 9 days of your life. I’m hoping for the best possible outcome.

  24. Ugh, btdt and I know how hard it can be. Some reassurance though that 121 is OK, it’s when you get under 90 its a big concern. Nine days is forever to wait but it will get here. I hope all turns out at the next scan, I’ll be thinking of you.

  25. I am scared for you and the little one. I hope he starts growing fast and eases your worry. I am sending good vibes your way.

  26. Waiting on the edge for ten days is terrifying. Ten days is a long time to kill — too many hours.

    I wish we could sleep until week 20 and wake up to everything being perfect.

    In the meantime… I’ll wait with you, and hope, and pray.

  27. Listen… 2/3 days behind is not bad at ALL. Growing 5 days worth in 6 days is pretty good! 121 heartrate is nothing alarming…

    So I’d say (with my Google MD), that we’re not giving this kid enough credit! The next scan should tell you a lot, but for now, I’d say keep a-beatin’ little gloworm. Keep growin’ and catchin’ up so your family can exhale a little.

    I’m so sorry you have to wait to be reassured, but I’m praying all the time that that peace of mind will come.
    Hugs.
    -D.

  28. We’re all right here waiting with you.

    Now that I type that, it sounds eerily similar to that cheesy Richard Marx song, but in this case, I’m being quite sincere. And I don’t have a mullet.

    Best of luck!

  29. Gosh, don’t you just wish you could ask to come for a scan everyday. Doctors just don’t understand how stressful this is for women. I wish you all the best and you are in my thoughts!

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