It seems appropriate that IF is the abbreviation we use to represent infertility. IF is exactly that: full of “ifs”.

If my tubes are open, if there’s the right number of good sperm, if I respond to the drugs, if I ovulate, if an egg gets fertilized, if I get pregnant, if I stay pregnant, if I actually have a baby.

I wonder if and when it stops. Many infertility bloggers talk of stopping their blogs once they are pregnant. I don’t think I will. Honestly, I also haven’t suffered much of the “survivor’s guilt” discussed after pregnancy, either.

Mostly, it’s because I don’t feel guilty. I feel like we’ve done enough, been through enough. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. I’m not saying that other people should feel guilty if they’ve done less. I’ve said it here – every step of this journey sucks. And wherever you are in it right now is the worst it’s been thus far for you.

There’s also the fact that the beginning of this pregnancy has not been without bumps. And I’m not yet in a place where I feel “safe”. Honestly, I don’t know if that place exists for me. And – I have consciously decided that I won’t feel guilty about having worries. I’m entitled at this point.

I consider us fortunate to be here. And I’m doing everything in my power to enjoy every day of this. Something I know is that we may never experience this again. For so many, many reasons.

I also know that the “ifs” haven’t stopped yet. I hope they will. I keep thinking, “After the next scan, I’ll feel better.” And I usually do feel a little better. But I’m not yet thinking without the “ifs”. I don’t yet belong in the easily pregnant world – nor will I probably ever belong there.

I still belong here. In this world of IF. Full of “ifs”.

~ by Larisa on July 1, 2007.

16 Responses to “IF”

  1. Of course you belong sweetie. And it doesn’t ever get to safe, but it does get closer to optimism as time goes on. Hoping for that for you.

  2. i can’t help but reading and relating. i feel exactly the same way about never really fitting in.

    however, i do feel guilty. guilty for only needing clomid, guitly for wanting another.

    hoping/praying you get to feel that sense of “safe” soon.

  3. I hope that you feel “safe” soon. Thinking of you.

  4. You said it: wherever you are in the IF journey, it’s the worst place yet. (Until, of course, you finally get pregnant.)

    I am happy that you are striving to enjoy every day. It will get better, with every scan, with that first trimester milestone, with each test that comes back fine. In a few short months, you’ll be registering for baby gifts, and the worries will become more and more remote.

  5. Just catching up with you again. I’m so happy to read you’re still going on strong, though it hasn’t been as easy as one might wish for.

    I haven’t felt ‘survivor guilt’ yet either. For one, I don’t consider myself a survivor yet, though I’m well on my way. Second, I don’t feel guilt because I didn’t do anything, it’s more that something happened. I do feel sad to see friends struggle, waiting for it to happen for them.

  6. You most definitely belong, since you are our sister! Hope the safe feeling sets in soon…

  7. I totally agree. Until we hold a healthy baby in our arms there are still so many IF’s…

    And then what if we are brave enough to want another…


    I totally get it! Great post.

  8. The ifs are enough to almost break us, and IF is hell itself. I’ve been wondering when this will feel “real” and safe. I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever get to just rejoice in the pregnancy without wondering if the fetus will survive.

    Soon I hope…

  9. Perfectly said!

  10. I always hate it when bloggers stop writing when they get pregnant or have their children. I mean, I can understand it in terms of having other things on their plates, but I LOVE hearing about the new phases of their lives. Helps me remember why I keep going back to the RE!

    I’m so very happy for you and I hope that you are able to get all the enjoyment out of this possible.

    Oh, and tag.

  11. I love this.
    Big If’s.
    Little If’s.

    It is a badge. And we wear it.

  12. I could have sworn that I already posted here???

    I really like this post, and it captures one of those commonalities that all of us IF-ers share – the susceptibility to uncertainty. I hope that your days of uncertainty are short-lived and that you can begin to bask in the glow of pregnancy and motherhood.

  13. great post, Mrs. Hope. I’m glad you haven’t been plagued by “survivor’s guilt.” you DO deserve this, and have indeed been through enough.

  14. great post, Mrs. Hope. I’m glad you haven’t been plagued by “survivor’s guilt.” you DO deserve this, and have indeed been through enough.

  15. I found myself nodding through most of your post. I have been pregnant too and know that feeling of not fitting in with other pregnant ladies. I hope you find some peace and your safe place soon.

  16. I hope all is well and you’re feeling safer. Thinking of you!

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