joie de vivre

I’ve been thinking a lot about Mel’s happiness challenge; I was actually thinking a lot about this sort of topic before she brought it up.

My definition of happiness is really rather relative, I guess. I think happiness, for me, equals being perfectly contented in the big scheme of my life. Not every day has to be perfect – I can have bad moments, bad days, bad weeks even – but the jist is that everything – big picture-wise – is well.

Am I happy now? Yes. That’s the resounding answer. Was I happy during infertility, etc? No. But that doesn’t mean I was always some down in the dumps doldrum spreader, either. But it was a pretty miserable 3 and a half years – beginning with Sean’s death, lifting somewhat in the beginning of trying to get pregnant and then sinking back down once the medical (and specifically IVF) crap began.

I wasn’t unhappy because of the physical part. It was all emotional. The ride up the roller-coaster of hope and the gut-wrenching, screaming plunge down to different levels of despair.

Was it as simple as getting pregnant? No, I don’t think so. I still have to inch into the sheer joy of this – but the answer for now – is yes, I can get pregnant. It may take 20 people to make it happen, but it can happen. And my heart, my plate, and my soul feel full.

Have I been happy before? Yeah. Before all that crap happened. Generally, I’m a pretty content person.

Here’s the catch. I think I’m happier now than I could have ever been without all the crap happening. Absolutely – I miss my brother intensely, I wish we hadn’t had to do IVF, I’ll always define myself as infertile.

But the fact that I’ve experienced those losses and those difficulties makes each day that’s good shine brighter. Those experiences make me savor this life and these experiences.

Its sounds cheesy, but it’s simply true for me. I’m happy. And I have a lot to be happy about.

Her challenge is to come up with a daily or weekly ritual – mine will be to spend 10 minutes per day meditating and being with myself and this pregnancy. And at least once per week I’ll go to my prenatal yoga class. Those are the things that remind me to search within myself for peace, faith, happiness, and love.

Advertisements

~ by Larisa on September 11, 2007.

6 Responses to “joie de vivre”

  1. Nicely said. It feels good to be happy again, eh?

  2. It’s my impression too that my appreciation of being pregnant is different after IF.
    But I’d never dare say such a thing to any of my fertile friends. They’d be offended, I’m sure.

    I suppose my appreciation isn’t necessarily better or intenser, let’s just say the aftertaste is different.

  3. It’s my impression too that my appreciation of being pregnant is different after IF.
    But I’d never dare say such a thing to any of my fertile friends. They’d be offended, I’m sure.

    I suppose my appreciation isn’t necessarily better or intenser, let’s just say the aftertaste is different.

  4. I’m so glad that true happiness has found its way to your doorstep once again. You do truly, truly deserve to relish every moment of it.

  5. As for being happier now than you would have been without all the crap you’ve been through … All the crap will also make you appreciate your daughter in a way that will take your breath away. As an infertility survivor, I am so grateful for my child, every minute, that even things like long nights staying up with him when he’s sick are precious and treasured moments to me.

  6. Hey I just wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking about you. Sorry I haven’t commented much lately. I am glad everything is going so well for you. 🙂

    BTW if you still keep in contact with Michelle tell her I said happy birthday to M.. I told her I wanted to keep in touch with her when she went PP but she didnt add me..oh well..Ive been thinking about her a lot too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: