what's next?

Birth. It goes along with this pregnancy thing, and I feel as though I’ve gotten the question about laboring more and more frequently lately – and I’m guessing that trend will continue.

Once upon a time, I cared about my potential laboring experience. I would have wanted the empowering accomplishment of a vaginal birth, most likely without medication.

But that was before.

That was before my RE looked at me after the hysteroscopy he almost couldn’t complete and said, “I don’t think you’ll ever have a vaginal birth.” When he saw my eyes momentarily fill up with tears, he said, “It’s not the end of the world. You still get a baby.”

That was before the impossible trial transfers. Before the laminaria torture. Before 4 fresh IVF cycles with a frozen thrown in for good measure. Before we knew about the single umbilical artery and the fact that her birth will almost certainly be scheduled.

A vaginal birth would be great. But I’m not holding my breath. I know for sure what I don’t want: to labor and labor and labor only to end with the decision to have a c-section in a more emergent situation.

Honestly, I’m scared of my own cervix. Not of the pain – I can figure that out. I’m scared it won’t cooperate. And I don’t want to get my hopes up for something that may be unattainable for me. I still feel as though my body has failed me in so many ways, I don’t really want to be reminded. I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about not caring about this. All I really want is for BabyHope to arrive healthy. Whether that’s vaginally or through an incision in my belly is really irrelevant.

In other news…I had an appointment today. I’m 22w3d. BabyHope is growing well between scans. I’ll have another scan in 3 weeks, then beginning at 28 weeks, I’ll have weekly appointments. They’ll shift between growth ultrasounds once per 4 weeks, NSTs twice per 4 weeks, and BPPs once per 4 weeks. Confusing? It will go something like this: Growth u/s, NST, BPP, NST, Growth u/s. Of course, it’s all subject to change dependent on what’s going on.

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~ by Larisa on September 19, 2007.

No Responses Yet to “what's next?”

  1. I’ve been following your blog for quite some time now and I’m so happy for you that you are having your little BabyHope.

    As a doula I’ve seen successful vaginal deliveries with cord, placental and uterine variations, including missing a vessel in the cord.

    As the time gets closer and you get more information on how BabyHope is doing, you will be able to make informed decisions as to the type of birth that will be safest for both of you.

    However, if possible, even with a c-section, see if you can have some labor first. It will warn BabyHope that she’s about to be born so she can prepare and go through the biological processes that will help her adjust to the outside world.

    If this isn’t possible, then just savor what you will have.

    There are many special things that can happen even with cesarean births, provided everyone is in good health. For example, daddy can give BabyHope her very first bath (which can be delayed until she’s been breastfed for the first time). Sometimes the first breastfeeding can occur in the operating room, but it’s usually in the recovery room. Once BabyHope is stable, daddy can hold her skin to skin while you are being moved the the recovery room.

    I highly recommend the book Birthing From Within because is focusses less on how the birth goes physically and more on everything else.

    All my best to your family!

  2. So glad that BabyHope is growing so well! I do hope that you get to have a natural birth-and that you continue to have good appointments!

  3. You are right that it doesn’t matter how your baby gets to the outside, just that they do and are healthy! Sounds like BabyHope is growing great!!!!

  4. You are more than halfway there! Congratulations! How far you have come.

    I ended up having an emergency C-sec, and if I ever manage to get PG again, I will probably have a scheduled c-sec. I have always had a problem cervix, too, and I never dilated at all with my son, despite contrax that started when he was just 24 weeks along in utero. He was even a week late, and I still never dilated at all. Turned out, his head was jammed sideways. We were one of those cases in which, if I’d tried to have a natural birth in the pre-c-section era, we both would have died.

    So, yes, there are much worse things than letting go of the idea of giving birth vaginally. Trust your docs to do what’s right for you and BabyHope.

  5. It’s good that you’re pragmatic about the delivery.

    I can imagine you’d mistrust the antics of your cervix, and a c-section after a long labour doesn’t sound appealling at all.

    Wonderful to hear that BabyHope is growing well.

  6. i’m so glad that things are on the right track. i’m so happy for you. BabyHope. her name makes me smile.

  7. That is great that you are able to direct your thoughts to BabyHope’s birthday. This has been a long time in the making, and it makes me so happy to hear your talking about your daughter. Your BabyHope. πŸ™‚

  8. I totally understand. I don’t care if I push her through me or have her removed from me — I just want whatever is the safest option for us. No guilt is necessary. The end in this situation certaily justifies the means.

  9. Almost 23 weeks! Gosh time flies! I am so happy for you and whatever birth story it takes for BabyHope to get here.. what a great and happy ending it will have!

  10. Good to hear that all’s well with your little BabyHope.

  11. I just wanted to say congrats on being pragmatic on the birth. My general feeling, having had both a c-section and a vaginal birth, is that it honestly doesn’t matter. Your birth experience is your birth experience and what comes of it: your long awaited child. How the baby got there, in the long run, is largely irrelevant as long as both you and the baby are fine. I can’t say that I’m any more or less close to either of my girls as a result of the birth, just happy and thrilled that they are in this world. πŸ™‚

    Congratulations on your little BabyHope, I hope everything continues to go so well.

  12. I just wanted to say congrats on being pragmatic on the birth. My general feeling, having had both a c-section and a vaginal birth, is that it honestly doesn’t matter. Your birth experience is your birth experience and what comes of it: your long awaited child. How the baby got there, in the long run, is largely irrelevant as long as both you and the baby are fine. I can’t say that I’m any more or less close to either of my girls as a result of the birth, just happy and thrilled that they are in this world. πŸ™‚

    Congratulations on your little BabyHope, I hope everything continues to go so well.

  13. I think about labour & delivery alot.
    I dream about it. It’s daunting. I just want my baby to the least stressful arrival!

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