a different perspective

So now that we’ve had a few days to calm down from our scare, I’ve been thinking. It’s a dangerous past time. At the beginning of this infertility journey, there were so many things I thought I’d never do. But I did them – all of them. And then some.

And then I actually got pregnant. And, while the fear and IVF trauma doesn’t fade overnight, it does fade. And, for some crazy reason, I’ve thought about another baby. You’d think it would be good enough that I’m pregnant with one. That given all it took to get pregnant with this one that I might say I’d never pursue ART again.

But it’s simply not the case. I never thought we’d stop with one child before IVF – why would that change now (other than the obvious)? My dream has been to have more than one child.

I’ve recently re-read some of the entries from this blog – particularly those after the frozen failed. And they are painful to read. I ached. I yearned. And I was spent emotionally, even if I didn’t completely realize it at the time.

We have three frozen embryos. I know we’ll transfer those. Someday. I don’t know exactly when – it’s hard not to feel pressure to “hurry-up” – it took so long to get here, it’s hard to imagine it not taking 3 years again.

Will we ever do a fresh cycle again? I won’t say never. But I also don’t know. Would I risk plunging myself, my body, my husband, or BabyHope into the emotional and physical turmoil that IVF means? There will be no insurance. There will be other things to spend the vast quantities of money on. I do know that there’s no way we would do 4 fresh cycles in pursuit of a second child. It’s just not possible.

And the question that comes up now…could I handle another pregnancy? A pregnancy that may or may not be full of scares?

And there’s no answer to be had right now. Just thinking.

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~ by Larisa on October 15, 2007.

No Responses Yet to “a different perspective”

  1. it’s so difficult. i thought i would just be completely and absolutely greatful if i could just have ONE healthy baby to bring home. and that i would be too scared to even try again after everything we’ve been through but i just can’t get my heart and mind away from another. i guess, in my heart, it’s all worth it to hold another baby in my arms. but that doesn’t stop my mind from “thinking” that dangerous passtime you say it is.

  2. If you’ve always wanted two, a little inconvenience (ha) like infertility won’t change that. I’m in the same boat, but unfortunately waited too long after my one successful IVF to try again. In the intervening two years, my FSH skyrocketed, and two cancelled IVFs later, it seems that my own eggs are shot. I have always wanted two kids, but now I’m facing the reality that we will either have an only child or two children who are not genetically related.

    So my unsolicited assvice is: if you want to wait a while for that FET, get your FSH tested every few months. If it starts to rise, don’t wait.

  3. While in the midst of treatment, many things are compromised but you should never have to compromise your ultimate goal. BabyHope is one gigantic leap towards your goal, and you shouldn’t have to lose sight of the remaining distance.

    Hold tight to your dream!

  4. I can imagine the desire to have another.. even after all you have been through.. I guess time will give you the answers you need. I am so happy that things are going so well for you.. You deserve every bit of happiness!

  5. To be honest, I can’t think past one right now. But perhaps one day, I will write a post just like yours, because the feelings you describe make perfect sense.

  6. I’ve been “just thinking” too. I know what you mean about the feeling to hurry up and wait. I think all the questions you are asking are so valid, and there is no one to give you a for sure answer. Only given your previous strength and endurance, I would think you do know the answer to one question posed: could you handle another pregnancy? I think, resoundingly, yes you certainly can.

  7. I think about this too and then kick myself for being selfish. But we aren’t selfish? We just want what all the fertiles get to have, the chance to have the family we have dreamed of. For some of us that means more than one child. I am so very happy to be pregnant but I do think about #2 and how it just might not happen. I think we are very normal in this.

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