living the dream

I woke up this morning with a big fat grin on my face. Really, BabyHope woke me this morning, as she has each morning for the 5 weeks and 1 day she’s been here.

Pinch me now, my dream has come true.

When did this happen? When did I become a mother? With a sweet baby girl napping in a wrap on my chest?

Sure, there are easy answers. I became a mother on January 7, 2008. But it started long, long before that. I just don’t even think I knew it.

Sure, I was grateful and thankful during the pregnancy. And I would smile and nod and try to be excited.

But I was scared a lot of the time. I didn’t dare believe it was true – that I was growing a real, live baby. That she was a girl. That she’d be ours. That we’d take her home with us. That I could never do another cycle or injection and she’d still be our daughter.

I don’t think I wholeheartedly believed it until…maybe now? There’s some sadness in that – did I enjoy the pregnancy as much as I “should” have? I don’t know – I know I enjoyed it as much as I could.

There’s lots of healing to do after what we went through. And I probably denied myself some of the pain along the way to make it seem more bearable.

But we’re here. We did it. I’m not dreaming anymore.

I’m living.

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~ by Larisa on February 12, 2008.

No Responses Yet to “living the dream”

  1. Sometimes I still wish I had enjoyed pregnancy more because who knows if I’ll ever get to do it again. And for the better part of 9 months I worried. I worried I’d miscarry. I worried that she wasn’t moving enough. I worried about her kidneys. I worried that something would go wrong during her birth. I worried that after birth something would go wrong. Notice a theme?
    And it didn’t really hit me until sometime after she was born that I was actually a mom. I was still in denial for awhile. Yes, I had a baby. Yep, she cried, pooped, and ate…but I was always waiting for the other ball to drop.
    Thank God we both made it.

  2. To this day, it still blows my mind that I have a son. I guess that if there’s a silver lining to infertility, it’s that once we finally have a child, we never forget to be grateful for what we have.

  3. I think it’s only natural to prepare yourself for the worst- it’s how we coped with IF rollercoaster.

    What matters now is that you are wonderfully, estatically happy. Which thrills me. 🙂

  4. I understand exactly what you are saying. Hindsight is so perfect, isn’t it? I’ve only observed infertility, I’ve never tried to conceive as I’m adopting, but trauma is trauma and what you went through to get BabyHope was obviously traumatic. I can so clearly remember your pleading posts that she stay, stay, stay. Fearing the loss of your child and seeing blood day after day doesn’t leave much room for enjoyment, does it?

    I’m mourning a little bit the fact that I will become a mom without having grown my baby and given birth to her. At the same time, I’m celebrating the miracle of adoption and am enjoying every moment of the preparation.

    I hope that in your joy of motherhood, you allow yourself the thoughts and feelings that come along, whatever they are. You’ve been through so much, it’s okay to grieve for what you wished your experience could have been.

    I hope, too, that when the time is right, you can have some kind of official celebration of the fact that you DID IT! In spite and despite of it all, you had a baby!!! I’m not talking like a baby shower, but something personal for you. You deserve it.

  5. What a wonderful thing to have your long awaited dream become a reality. Fully enjoy living in the moment…

  6. Beautiful little girl! Congratulations!

    Thank you for your comments on my blog re: the Lupron. I will be on it for 6 months. I am glad you differentiated between the monthly shots and the 3 month depot shots – sometimes I wonder which side effects are going with which version from some of my research so far!

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