always a planner

It’s really incredible how fast time goes by. I’ll think I’m on top of something, and then I realize, oh – it’s the end of March, not the end of February.

I got a letter the other day (ok, so over 3 weeks ago) from my clinic. I knew it was coming, but I still wasn’t really ready for it. My heart races, and my palms still sweat when I get mail from the clinic.

It was a letter informing me that my year of embryo storage was up and that I needed to make arrangements to have the embryos stored elsewhere. I did so, but it takes a bit of work. I had to call the storage facility of my choice, wait for paperwork from them, fill out loads of paperwork from them, have it notarized, and have paperwork from my clinic notarized. And the clinic called twice in that time to find out exactly what my plans were. And to warn me about the $100 per month charge that will happen beginning April 1 if this isn’t “taken care of” by then.

So of course, I’ve been thinking about those embryos. We are fortunate to have 3 frozen blasts of reasonable quality.

Having them gives me some sense of calm – at least we have a chance at another child without the entire IVF process.

It’s not imminent by any stretch.

But. Of course there’s a “but”, people. There’s still a sense of urgency about the whole thing. BabyHope is only 11 weeks old, but I can’t help but think about “when”. When should we, when will we do a frozen cycle with those embryos?

And I’m such a planner by nature that I can’t help but walk through what the process will look like.

We’ll have to schedule a consult – there’s always a wait for those. I’ll have to be done breastfeeding. I’ll have to have some testing done – probably an HSG at a minimum. I’ll probably have to be on Parlodel for a bit. I’ll need to be on my high dose folic acid for a couple of months before the transfer. And, unless my doctor feels strongly otherwise, we’ll probably only transfer one embryo at a time.

So I figure it will be about 3 months from the time I make the phone call for the consult to the beginning of a cycle. And there could be as many as 3 cycles if each embryo actually survives the thaw process. And it’s not like I actually expect any of them to work.

So then I start wondering about “after”. If none of the FET cycles work. I figure we’d probably do the remaning diagnostic testing at that point to make sure there’s nothing obvious or new wrong – a semen analysis, blood work for me.

And then? Would we “try” on our own for a bit? Would we do some IUIs for the heck of it? Would we, will we ever do another fresh cycle? If we’d always planned on more than one child, should we pursue further treatment? Should we push our luck?

I don’t know, yet.

BabyHope is enough, and I want her to know that. She fills my heart, she fills my days (and nights). I’m looking forward to seeing who she’ll become. I don’t want her to ever think that we wanted more than her if we never have another child.

Just thinking and planning. Too much.

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~ by Larisa on March 24, 2008.

No Responses Yet to “always a planner”

  1. Hmmm…so many questions.
    I really like how you ended your post talking about how BabyHope is enough. We have been struggling to get pregnant again with baby #2. Grace is 27 months. She may be our one and only. I have a desire for more children, but I don’t ever want her to feel like she wasn’t enough and we are let down by ‘only’ having her.
    Good post, Mrs. Hope.
    Thanks.
    Jen

  2. Infertility forces us all to be planners. It would be nice if we could just blithely enjoy child #1, assuming #2 would be no problem, but alas.

    That said, like you, if I just have this one, I feel so lucky.

  3. I used to not know HOW to live without a plan…and now I am living without one.

    Its hard to get into that “sweaty palms” mode of thinking what to do, what to do…and I am sure this decision is quite a load for you.

    I know you will enjoy each moment with BabyHope, and will make the right choices for what is best for your little family. Wishing you peace of mind, as you do so…

  4. Thank you for talking through these thoughts for us to read. I have already started to think about #2 and I haven’t delivered #1 yet but I grew up dreaming of 3 children. It’s all so much to think about.

  5. Of course BabyHope is enough–she’ll always know that because of your extensive journey to have her. But siblings are great, too, and a sibling would be a gift to her as well. I think it’s great that you have three embies to work with and it’s never too early to plan 🙂

  6. Infertility is so tough. It’s so unfair to have to worry about all of this… but it’s a reality for those of us in the IF world. I know your bitter-sweet feelings. BabyHope is a wonderful gift, but that doesn’t necessarily take away your desire for more children. We tried for a looong time to have our son and it was only through two IVFs that we conceived him. We are now back down the IVF rabbit hole and it’s so tough. Two more failures later, I now feel deep, deep within the grasp of infertility yet again.
    I hope you can find peace, and more children, if you want them.

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