the one who won

The phone rang and when I saw who was calling, I knew it probably wasn’t good. I’d just talked to her yesterday and things were looking good. But today is different.

She’s probably miscarrying again. Her second fresh IVF cycle, her 3rd transfer, her 4th miscarriage. She’s done all the testing. She’s worked so, so hard. These were “PGD normal” embryos. A boy and a girl. The first two betas were gorgeous, the third wasn’t.

And I sat on the other side of the phone not knowing what to say, while BabyHope chirped happily in the background. Knowing that somehow I won my battle with infertility and she hasn’t. And maybe she won’t. And even after all I endured, I didn’t know what to say. The words still don’t exist.

I want to hope for her without giving her false hope, I want this cycle to be the one, and it makes me shiver to think of her having to walk into her house and tell her husband that it’s happened again.

I’m the one who won. And I’ve left her behind, heartbroken again.

~ by Larisa on July 16, 2008.

6 Responses to “the one who won”

  1. Hugs to your friend… I’m thinking of her.

    It’s so hard to find the words to help her. But I’ll bet that your ear and your shoulder helped her just a little bit.


  2. I’m really sorry for your friend. You’re right, there just aren’t words. But I know that just your listening made all the difference.

  3. So sorry for your friend, it’s just horrible.

  4. I watched the Jo.el Oste.en sermon this past Sunday. He talked about how if we could look in the future our heartache in the present moment would make sense. I understood him, but if I’d seen that same sermon before Zoey I would’ve been disgusted. There just aren’t any words to offer except maybe, “I understand.” Listening is better.

  5. I am so sorry for your friend. What a horrible, horrible thing.

    While I completely understand where you are coming from, I feel like I need to say this. You can’t feel guilty for having won. Your victory is what gives her hope. Maybe not today, when her world is dark… But your victory is what can make the light shine for her.

    You’ve beat the odds. I pray she will, too.

  6. Huge hugs to her. I am very sorry to read this. I hope soon she wins too.

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