scared

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m tired.

The best part: my body has failed to receive the memo about this pregnancy. I’m nauseated, light-headed, and I just generally feel like crap. I tried to run this morning and had to stop about 1.5 miles in after dry-heaving. I tried to have a glass of wine on Friday, but it didn’t in the teensiest way taste good. My stomach is in my throat most of the day. Not one drop or spot of blood this entire pregnancy. Not one.

I’m scared that I don’t have the patience to wait this out. I’m scared that even if I do, my body will find a way to fall into the small percentage of women who retain some tissue and need surgery anyway (I’m pretty sure that happened after BabyHope’s birth). Or that I won’t miscarry at all and again, need surgery anyway.

I’m scared that if I opt for surgery now, my body will find a way to be one of those women that grows a bunch of scar tissue. I’m not generally afraid of medical procedures, but for whatever reason, I’m scared of this one.

Emotionally, I need surgery tomorrow. I don’t have time to have early pregnancy symptoms without a viable pregnancy. I need this over.

But then I go back to being scared of complications. Complications either way. Back to being frozen, back to waiting.

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~ by Larisa on March 22, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “scared”

  1. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had any advice that was useful, but I don’t, so just know that I’m thinking about you and sending you strength.

  2. I'm so sorry. What a tough place to be in. I know so many women who have a D&C just to get it over with. I can completely understand why.

  3. I am just so sorry. In both of my miscarriages, I had the same anxieties and worries before my D&Cs. I needed my body back to myself quickly so I completely understand. Hang in there.

  4. Oh sweetie, this post brought back so much for me. I wish it weren’t so shitty and horrible. The body and mind disconnect can be so tricky and cruel. All the complications are so real and all suck.

    I know how you feel. I wish I could take the hurt away. I wish I could comfort you.

    XOXO

  5. Please know you’re in my thoughts Mrs. Hope! Since I can’t be there in person here’s a virtual ((HUG)) for you.

  6. So sorry you have to go through this. I had 2 missed miscarriages in 2008 and had D&Cs both times. Besides the devastation of losing the pregnancies, the surgeries went fine. Still no baby, but I don't think that's due to the D&Cs. What was strange was I was feeling crappy both times (pregnancy sickness) (10 weeks, 8 weeks along) and instantly when I woke up from surgery that sickness was gone, even though there was still some hcg in my system. So you may want to take that into consideration too.

  7. I know it's not for me to say, but I've had both the natural miscarriage and the D&C. As a friend sweetheart, go for the D&C and not wait for the pain and ickiness of passing it naturally.

    You don't need it, you don't deserve it and like Meg said, you need your body back and as anon says the symptoms will go after the surgery.

    If you want to ask any questions about either one, email me any time, artblog06@gmail.com.

    HUGS XXXX

  8. ARG. So so sorry. That is what happened to me Jan 08. I held out as long as I could, but silly body hung tight to the empty sac. I ended up having the D&C and it went very smoothly. Dr. Scrubs was great and was in very little physical pain…emothinally, now that's another story.

    I wish you the best of luck and hope this part comes to an end sooner than later.

  9. Awwwww….I am so sorry to read this. I wish you could have it easy this round…but this alone has definitely not been an easy one for you. ((HUGS))

  10. I wish I had some advice, but I don’t. Just hugs and the fact that I’m thinking of you.

    xxxx

  11. Is the methotrexate panel no longer an option? I've done D&C and the methotrexate, which was a better option for me since the pregnancy was just about 5 or 6 weeks along. That way you avoid the worries about surgery complications. Good luck.

  12. Thinking about you this morning.

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